Day 28: My Favourite Sweater

Oh, whoops, looks like this one got lost. Here it is.

My favourite sweater is a brown khaki sweater I usually pair with a sleeveless hoodie that goes underneath. It's not much but it's a summer sweater, it's thin enough not to melt my insides but it's something to throw over my body to protect me from the elements.

That's genuinely all I have to say about that.

Cheers.

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Day 30: The Next 30 Days

Finally, I finally get to do this victory lap.

Ugh, I know, I know. This took wayyyy longer than a month. It wasn't supposed to. It was supposed to be easy peasy lemon breezy but it wasn't. It was postpone postpone lemon postpone.

Now it's finally done.

Okay, phew. I think this is definitely going to be the last 30 day challenge for a while. I have been sitting on a couple posts that I didn't want to release until this whole thing was over but finally, finally I can start thinking about the release order and how I want to post them.

Also I just messed around with the website a bunch in order to get the crawler to crawl and it was a nightmare and I wanted to yank my hair out but now all is right!

Anyway, so here's my personal plans for the next 30 days;
-Get through uni
-Try not to walk into traffic
-Write and post more

As for the blog, I'm going to change up what I'm writing for a bit. There's still that piece on Starship Arena (it passed 100 downloads baybeeeeeee!) and yeah. This is what it is.

The second 30 day blog challenge done.

Now, you might be asking yourself why I did this, and the reason is simple;

Learning to finish projects.

Folding Ideas has a much better vid to explain why but I need to learn the skills necessary to close the things I open, and there are so many projects lingering in an unfinished state. With the game, Owen's book, this second 30 Day Challenge all done, it feels like I'm getting a little better at finishing the stuff I start. Hopefully someday you'll get to see more of my work but until that someday you'll have to be patient as I learn to get it to you more timely, and hopefully to a degree of quality I'm happy with.

Until next time.

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Day 29: My Personal Code

Everyone has a sort of moral guideline. Your sense of right and wrong. How you determine what to stand up for, and what to give up on.

For this one, I wanted to share mine.

It's not very complex, it's not very wide, I can boil it down to two words;

Be empathetic.

Life is hard and it's going to be a lot harder if we can't put ourselves in each other's shoes. It's easy to forget that the person on the other side is also a human being, a person, and people are easy. We all don't want to suffer, we want what's best for our friends and families, we have a sense of self-preservation, and we really hate being wrong about things.

If there's one trait I think we need more than any other, it's empathy. Because we have to be better to each other. I wanna be better to other people. I don't want to do anything to anyone that I wouldn't want them to do to me. I don't like pain, I don't want to cause anyone else pain. I don't like suffering, I don't want to make anyone suffer. I don't like being hated, I don't want to hate anyone.

People often ask where an atheist's sense of morality comes from and if you've ever heard someone stutter to answer, it's simple; the innate human ability to empathise with another human being. To look at someone else, see their situation and say, I understand, were I where you are I too would act as you do.

I know, no rule is hardfast, nothing is concrete. There are some people you can never empathise with. There are some people you can't even begin to understand.

But if you treat everyone like they're your fellow human beings, maybe the world becomes a slightly better place.

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Day 27: But Finding New Friends

And the good in goodbye is that finding new friends?

It's an adventure.

Eventually there comes a point where you have to meet new people and it's scary and you're terrified and you don't know how to cope with it all. What do you say, what do you do, how come they're all so much cooler than you... It's an emotional rollercoaster.

But then, if you're lucky, it all falls into place and you get a new couple handshakes and hugs in the morning.

Going from primary school to primary school, I had to learn to make new friends real fast because otherwise I wouldn't survive. And losing my highschool friends to graduation meant I was going to this new place with new people and I wouldn't know anyone again, and I wouldn't be as close as I was to them.

Terrifying.

But on my first day I met two of the people I'd basically form my support network out of and as the years went on, I met my bandmates, I met a couple people I fell madly in love with, and the people who meant the most to me that drifted, their loss was suddenly not that bad.

And that's what they don't tell you, when you get to the other side and you've taken the hits... You figure that you flinched way more than you should. Sure, it's scary in the moment but you'll wonder years down the line what you were even so scared of.

Don't get me wrong, I do still miss them. But I also now know;

The friends worth missing are the ones you see again and its like time hasn't passed.

So don't worry, you'll find new friends, and you'll form new bonds, and the bonds that were meant to hold will stay strong, even if you don't see old friends that often.

To end on a cliche, it's not about how far we're apart, but about how close we keep to each other's hearts. Or something like that.

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Day 26: Drifting Apart From Friends

Recently had to cancel on a friend for the second weekend in a row. Felt bad but we live a city or two apart and lives are hectic.

Sad thing is we used to be really close.

An inevitable fact of life is that you drift apart from friends.

I drifted from my childhood best friends, drifted from my highschool ones, I don't keep contact with 90% of my friends from first year. Life scatters you all through the wind.

And that's tough.

As you get older and older it gets harder to find new people with common interests and everyone seems to be at a different point in life. Some of us are broke students, some of us are working folk, some of us are spouses and some of us are parents.

I think what's important to remember isn't the drifting, it's the even knowing. We all start out as empty ledgers and then we get filled with stories, and you just gotta make the best stories you can with the time you have.

So don't take the people you have for granted. But also remember that if or when they leave, they're not taking anything absolutely essential, you're still a whole person, and there's even a little bit of good in goodbye.

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Day 25: The End Of An Era (Big Bang Theory)

So Big Bang Theory is ending and my feelings are complicated so I guess I wanna talk and I hope you'll indulge me.

It's true the actors are being paid more and more while the show's quality continues to slowly decline. Even I watched the 10th season and didn't find a lot of reason to continue, but 10 seasons of anything can do that. A lot of people are, understandably, glad the show is finally concluding. My feelings remain mixed.

Some people might be too old to understand what it's like growing up with Big Bang Theory, and others might be too young to know why we ever liked it.

But Big Bang Theory did something amazing.

It made being a geek... Okay. It was kind of part of what made geek culture into pop culture.

Big Bang Theory was, initially, a show that was about two things; incorporating science and geek culture into an easily digestible format which literally anyone could watch. It was a show about geeks that people who weren't geeks could enjoy. I mean, if you're a denizen of the internet, Star Wars is literally more popular and profitable than The Olympic Games, old media is dying out, millennials are being blamed for killing everything from the diamond industry to mayonnaise. Nerd shit is more mainstream than ever, your mom could probably name more Avengers than linebackers.

But it hasn't always been like that.

Growing up, Star Wars was freaking uncool. Comic books were uncool. Videogames were uncool. We didn't have eSports gods or yearly MCU releases dominating the box office. I mean, I remember not being able to find a single person around me that liked Naruto, and I mean Naruto has now become so popular there's a Disney XD dub of Shippuden.

Pretend you're me and it's 2007 and geek culture is not mainstream and you have friends who are geeky and you're all bottom of the foodchain because you aren't fashionable or particularly sporty or sociable but you guys all really like Spiderman comics and have watched all the Star Wars movies and you have watched enough anime to have a favourite anime. And here comes this show that takes physics and science and geek culture and is funny, genuinely funny, but not in a gatekeepy way. And it was big. Like, people who you'd never expect would join you in the hallways to sing the Big Bang Theory theme song.

Suddenly everyone shares their geek. Time goes on and it's highschool and you gotta choose your subjects.

Physics class was full. Projector goes on and it's time to learn about the Doppler Effect, and the first thing we get shown is a clip from Big Bang Theory where Sheldon dresses up as The Doppler Effect. We started up a science club.

And the show went on and I grew up and whenever I got blue I'd throw on some Big Bang Theory because it was junkfood entertainment and even the cheap laughs were a laugh and laughter did help alleviate symptoms.

Then the internet turned on it. Suddenly Big Bang Theory was just being hated on left right and center.

And the show has problems. Enough problems to write video essays about. Which people frequently do. Often in bad faith.

But it was like, this funny little show about a bunch of relatable geeks was now the target of everyone's vitriol and now, after 12 seasons, it's going away, it's finally coming to an end, and people are taking pleasure in kicking it down one last time.

I like these characters. I love how Howard had to grow as a person and become an adult to be with Bernadette. I love how Sheldon's repeatedly shown that despite his neurotic tendencies he has his own way of showing affection. I love how Leonard and Penny went back and forth on finding a way to be a couple when they're two people who have nothing in common. I love Amy and Mayim Bialik is a fucking bad ass. I love Bernadette and her tiny voice.

And a part of me is glad the show is ending. I want these characters to have a happy ever after and to go out on a high note.

But I'm also kind of sad. It's natural to be sad when something ends. I never expected Big Bang Theory to go on as long as say, Supernatural (14 seasons, holy god) but it's like we're at the end of an era.

Don't get me wrong, I do think there are better comedies out there. But hey, maybe it's time to think back and remember that Big Bang Theory had some solid jokes and funny episodes and sweet moments.

And I think that's what the show should be remembered for, and not for the moment someone referenced pop culture and a laugh track played. Like that time Howard brought in a keyboard to the hospital when Bernadette was sick and played her a song on the other side of the glass, or Sheldon kissing Amy on the train for the first time, or Leonard and Penny's first date where Sheldon used shrodinger's cat to help them overcome their anxiety. Or when Raj got his heart broken but it helped him overcome his fear of talking to women.

You know, in a time when the internet video economy is filled with "What Went Wrong With" videos, it's hard to remember the "What Went Right With"s. And plenty went right.

So I hope when that final episode airs, that you all can remember that Big Bang Theory wasn't the bane of mankind internet manbabies who make a living off bad faith criticisms claim it is, it was just a funny show that might have gone on a little too long.

That's all I have to say.

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Day 24: My Facebook Feed

Facebook and Twitter rank among the least progressive social media platforms.

That's an odd blanket statement to start of with but they're also the two that get the most reach, which means they get the most traffic, which means they get the highest influx of people who only come online to spout vitriol.

And I use Facebook a lot, so I usually get a front row seat.

I have plenty of horror stories, from the recent hack of Lizzy The Lezzy's page which posted pornography and anti-trans imagery, to various alt-right spewings, to any given comment section on Nerdist or Metal Hammer, so while I'm not going to try convince you of Facebook's inherent toxicity via anecdote, I do want to emphasize this; Facebook can be garbage. Garbage with a lot of sponsored posts. It's actually beginning to become a problem.

So what's my facebook feed like?

Well, part of the answer is above. I wanted to preface this because it can go anywhere from entirely wholesome to entirely garbage. "Don't read the comments" is great advice.

But when Facebook's not being awful, it's actually kind of great. It's a great way to keep up with LGBTQ news, South African current events, memes, music performances, cat videos, buzzfeed quizzes, nerd news, various trends in politics, my favourite webcomic artists and so on and so forth.

Occasionally I even get to see a decent post from my friends.

It's gone through changes over the years, there used to be more friends and music and less politically charged articles and feminist pages. Right now I actually spend a lot of time in a nerdy group I found and it's a quaint little community with very little toxicity and that's what I like about it, it's usually people just posting opinions with civility or just gushfests about things they like. Wish more of the internet was like that but unfortunately there's so much toxicity everywhere that it's hard to escape.

And when pages mind their own business, they get hacked and used for porn and clickbait articles. Which can make the whole experience awful.

But I'm still holding on to my one little pocket. It's probably the only thing still keeping me on, because when you find a good community of good people, stick by them.

Anyway, that's me out.

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Day 23: An Interesting Videogame I've Played Recently

I'm cheating because I've owned this one for a while, but that's not gonna stop me from plugging the game.

Crypt Of The Necrodancer is a procedurally generated dungeon crawler married to a rhythm game and the end result is a lot more coherent than you think.

The real kicker is that it works off the bat with my Dance Dance Revolution dance mat for PS3 so the name of the game is finding a control scheme that works for you and having a dance party, while also engaging with some hectic mechanics.

You can only move on the beat and your combo climbs as you tango through procedurally generated rooms as you murder and loot your way to colourful and creative bosses.

The only caveats it has is that periodically your game is interrupted by these FMV lore expositions which might harm more than help, and the difficulty curve spikes sharply at the end. But four dungeons to crawl through with your progressed saved as you beat the dungeon and the ability to choose what items spawn mean you're never left with your pants down and that mechanical mastery is how you win.

I give it a hard recommendation, go play it, it's cool, it's fun, it's interesting.

Either way, that's me, peace out, Matt-Dave signing off.

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Day 22: Bullet My Day

Keeping track of our days is something we often fail to do. It's a small thing but time ticks on and if we don't take a moment to reflect and recollect, we might lose it. Anwyay, I loved doing this one last time, so here goes;

- Woke up to three alarms around mid-day
- Talked with friends at length about ScaJo playing a trans man in an upcoming film
- Worked on the itch.io page for Starship Arena
- Had coffee and food
- Forwarded the Gamejolt and itch.io pages around a little more
- Caught up on a GDQ run of Castlevania
- Browsed Netflix some
- Looked into Mac exports for the game
- Wow, why are Apple so scummy?
- Put on some lofi mixes.
- Had dinner
- Stayed up wayyy too late
- Wrote up this little bastard.

As you can see, life isn't all that complex for me. Perhaps mundane but a good time capsule. And who knows, one day I might miss the days my life were this simple, it's good to keep track of the memories.

Love you loads, Matt-Dave

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Day 21: 5 Current Goals

Goals are important. They say a goal not written is a goal that won't be achieved, so here I am, hoping to achive my goals by writing them down, in no particular order:

1. Saving Up For A New Phone

I have a little jar I call Netflix and Bills where I store loose change and as much money as I can afford to save. I started it after my phone (which might be turning a decade old, yikes) notified me that the charging port was damaged. My biggest problem with saving has always been that I always need to dip into those funds, but I've made a personal promise to not do that this time, and I've so far stuck to it.

2. Finishing My First Game (and my Second)

Which I did! And I'll tell you guys all about it soon, promise, but you can find it here and yeah. But the other related goal is finishing a game I have been working on for the longest time, based on the book I wrote (which I would love to one day rewrite). The devlog is also on Gamejolt so you can follow that there, but hey, even though progress is slow, progress is happening. I'm just glad I have a game to my name that I can use as a potential part of my portfolio when I apply for a job one day.

3. 32 Or More Blog Posts in 2018

Which we are very close to hitting, wow. I've never quite managed to top my first year of blogging, which had the most blog posts (although nearly all of them were part of a 30 day Blog challenge, so here I am, hoping to best past me).

4. Graduating Already, It's Time

Yeah, I'm still studying and I look forward to the day I graduate so I can be employed and make a living in this world. Another thing that's going slow but steadily, after this year I'll be most of the way there in credits. So, hey, hold thumbs for me friends.

5. Being Better

Which is an ongoing process but that's what self-improvement is. One of the things it took me the longest time to realize that the void someone leaves when they're no longer in your life isn't because they took anything that was yours. Someone said something really powerful to me; "You ever realize when someone leaves that you're still whole, and nothing really left?"

There was a person I'd been missing that I think I've finally let go of. And it felt like they'd left a hole but now I think I realize that I conflated missing them with missing something inside. I'm a whole person still, and I am doing pretty well, and I'm working towards my goals and laughing and loving, and that's okay. I don't wish that person anything bad, and truth be told I wish them nothing but the best. But I think in life, paths cross and then some don't ever meet up again. I think it's okay to carry on with your road, instead of missing the small patch it cross with someone else's.

But apart from that, I'm working on those bad habits and working at my passions and saving up for better days and sometimes I stumble but I try stay humble.

And like my favourite Veil Of Maya song, Lisbeth, goes,

Hold your place
And just keep still
Remind yourself;
You must fulfill your aspirations.

See you next time, dear reader.

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Day 19: The Kind Of Day I Would Kill For

If you live with depression, you have to accept that not each day is going to be one with a clear head. You kind of live with at least a little bit of fog being the norm, and that pure, total lucidity is a rare occurrence. Worse are days during a severe depressive episode, or a severe manic one. So it's a little bit of a given that something you're always wanting is a day that you are neither manic, nor depressed, a day where you're just lucid.

But I think as humans, a perfect day is a combination of lots of factors and we are more than our illnesses. Let me tell you about the kind of day I would kill for.

Besides pure lucidity, a day where I slept well the night before and woke up not too early, but not midday. So let's say about 8AM. It'd be a Friday, and one I had off. So I wake up, go through my morning routine, throw on a shirt, jeans and sneakers, then breakfast. In my house we kind of have this tradition of making crumpets in the morning, and I love them so I'd want that already made, some honey, and a decent cup of coffee.

After that, it's time to decide what to do with my day. Truth be told I've become kind of a homebody so I'd hop onto my laptop and I'd open a project. Maybe it's a game I'm working on, or a novel I'm writing, or a piece of music I'm working on, but inspiration would strike and I'd just have that moment of knowing what and how to do in order to progress. So I'd work on that for a couple of hours, really pushing the project forward, then I'd put it down for the day.

Lunch is next, probably a little late considering how much I just got done, but it wouldn't be crazy.

Then it'd be some me time next, just hours to relax. Catch up on something I've really wanted to watch. Maybe just play something interesting, lord knows there's a whole lot of interesting I haven't played in my Steam library.

After that, dinner. I love Chow Mein so probably some of that for dinner. Kung Fu Kitchen's, specifically, I definitely don't get food from there often enough.

More chill time, a good long shower and then into bed.

Nothing special. Just a good little staycation, where I'm 100% lucid. That's all I want. And I hope I get a lot of days like it.

And dear reader, I hope you get all the days you hope to have. Life is hard enough without the weather raining on our parade and our everything going wrong.

Until next time.

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Day 18: My Piercings

My piercings are important to me. The represent to me a sense of personal bodily autonomy that I think I needed when I got them and they remind me every day that the only person's opinion about how I look that matters is mine.

Also, they look rad as all heck. Anyway, here's the story of how I got them.

I got my Monroe at a small tattoo studio near my university campus, and the artist who did me was great. Wonderful with first timers, took me through the steps, never had an infection. But I'd actually been waiting to get a lip ring with a friend, and we had a pact from highschool to do it together (we ended up doing it seperately).

So getting tired of waiting for our schedules to line up, I went for my second choice one first. And, boy, did everyone hate it. Well, not everyone, but most people asked why, I think my mom had like this existential moment of her baby boy ruining his face all the while I'm looking at myself like, damn, I look good. Of course, my actual good friends had either no opinion on it or just took a while to get used to my face having this small but noticeable alteration but I think most of them have now known me longer for having these piercings than for not having them. Most folks I meet now ask me if they hurt (girls who had their ears pierced asking me this question never fails to baffle me, like... Did yours hurt?)

The second one I did on a day that highschool friend actually was over and we were going to do it together, only he got food poisoning the night before. He wasn't up to it (much to my dismay, I was so disappointed) but after I walked him to the train and we parted ways, my impatience got the better of me.

I was actually going to Singing In The Rain with my parents that night and when they picked me up there was this cold, quiet anger in the car. Mom pulled me aside and tried the speech again but I think she kind of knew it wouldn't work because here I was, second piercing, and no one could stop me.

I actually haven't gone for a third one but I do want to. I want to get a nose stud but I want to get a tattoo first.

If only I could decide on one.

Anyway, that's the story of that. Just thought I'd share.

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Day 17: A Confession Of My Choice

This was a hard one to decide on. Spilling your guts on the internet isn't always the best idea and I've overshared once or twice on this blog before. Everyone has secrets and although I doubt I have anything truly headline worthy, I do have stuff I'd rather not be out there for just anyone to read and I know stuff about other people I know they don't want aired. Striking that balance between releasing what's safe to release and creating content worth reading is a tough one, and it's a line that gets more delicate the more posts I put out there.

That said, here's something I don't tell a lot of people;

My first time sleeping with a boy was awful.

He was someone I'd met online and he was nice enough, and cute, but it was just... Bad. It was a bad experience. I wasn't anywhere near prepared to bottom and I feel like I kind of let him do more than I should have. I don't think he was anywhere near prepared to top. Truth be told I didn't really want it to go past hand stuff and when we were done I kinda just wanted him to leave.

I had other, much better experiences with men but this one has always bothered me a little. I think the lines of consent were blurred and it's hard for me to process it to this day. I don't think it's sexual assault as much as it was just two inexperienced boys trying to connect but failing, but that doesn't mean that it couldn't have been.

What I think does matter is that it's been a landmark year for the #MeToo movement and maybe microstories like mine matter. When you're experimenting and young, I think beyond being safe, you need to be safe. Choose your partners carefully. Be conscious of dangers when meeting sexual partners online because even you could be sexually assaulted by someone who looks innocuous from their Grindr picture. So be aware.

Heavier than most things I post but yeah, there's my confession, give me my Hail Mary's, father. I'm bad t outros. Respect the Geneva Conventions.

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Day 16: Things I've Learned About Love From My Exes

An important part of growing as a person and sussing out the right person or persons for you is looking at your past relationships and seeing what you can learn from them. Not just so you can be a better partner, but so you can recognize when things go wrong and end a relationship with as little pain as possible, and so you can know which types of relationships to avoid entirely.

Here's five things past relationships have taught me, from 5 different exes;

1. Passion is key

I remember reading an article once about how every successful relationship is built upon three pillars; Commitment, Friendship and Passion. Whilst it's a bit of an oversimplification, there's also a lot of compromise involved and knowing when to give space or when to hold tighter along with a myriad of other factors, I can guarantee that without all three of those things, your relationship will inevitably fall apart.

In the past, I've dated people with whom I was friendly with, really great friends with in fact, and to who I was committed to forming a functional and healthy relationships with. But the problem is when there wasn't any passion involved.

Passion is hard to define but to me, it's lust and overwhelming love, those lingering thoughts of growing old and the what ifs of getting married. The fireworks when you kiss. The way the Earth seems to physically stand still when you look into their eyes. Those chemicals swirling in your brain as you connect that make you happy and manic.

Passion is important.

So when it's gone, that's when your relationship becomes somewhat dysfunctional. When you regard your significant other so much more as a friend than a lover, you can start to form cracks. Cracks like wanting isolation. Cracks like feeling suffocated or trapped.

If the passion seems to be dying, and you can't look at your significant other with the same love you used to, that's when it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

2. Long Distance is a Killer

I dated someone who lived about an hour and a half's drive away, traffic permitting. While it wasn't as extreme as other long distance relationships, even that drive was enough a barrier to create a divide between us as people over time.

Because here's the thing, you can love someone very dearly, but sometimes that love can be unreasonably inconvenient. Distance means travel expenses and income is limited. The yearning for the physical touch of another can be so overwhelming that it can hurt and that pain can actually drive you crazy.

I'm not saying that long distance relationships are always unfeasible, I have a great friend who every proves that oceans can't keep two determined lovers apart. It's inspiring and wonderful, but here is the catch; Not everyone's lives has room for a committed long distance relationship. A relationship should better your quality of life, not put a burden on it. If your relationship takes so much more than it gives, it's hard not to buckle under that pressure, and yes, long distance couples often break up very vitriolically because of how painful those breaks can be.

Make sure when you engage in a long distance relationship that the both of you have the means to sustain it, both in tangible assets, and emotional strength. If one of you buckles, both of you buckles.

3. Dating your best friend is unbelievably dangerous

And I think you should very carefully consider it. It took me the longest time to get over a break up with someone I was unbelievably close with, and I still have emotional scars to this day. It's like a phantom ache. Because the worst part about breaking up with your best friend?

You could very easily lose your best friend.

And while your first heartbreak is like a knife, the fallout from your first big love is like being ripped in half; you heal.

Losing your best friend is like losing a limb.

Please be careful.

4. Most Break Ups end Bad, but that doesn't mean they have to stay bad

I can't count how many exes I've lost track of because we broke up so painfully that leaving each other alone forever just felt like the right thing to do.

But a handful of times, those relationships grew stronger.

Over Christmas one year I decided to reach out to a girl I'd cared for a lot, but who I didn't part with on the best of terms. Christmas is that kind of time of year and by reaching out, I'd actually helped mend a lot of my own wounds. We managed to have an open conversation about how it went wrong and both admitted to not feeling any animosity towards the other, perhaps even still carrying lingering affection, despite knowing we couldn't work out.

You know what happened then? We became close friends.

Being friends with your ex is a tricky thing but honestly, if you know the two of you aren't meant to be and you still care about each other, still long for those conversations, it's worth remaining friends. Your ex can actually become one of your best friends, as someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else but who cares about your happiness only in a platonic capacity. That's a powerful support network to have in your life and you'd be surprised at how well they can inform you about future or current relationships just by being frank about how the two of you went wrong.

Being friends with your ex can actually make yourself a better partner to a future lover.

Just don't avoid conversations with your significant other in order to have a safer version with an ex. That person isn't dating you any more, and if you have something you need to say, you should say it.

5. You Can Both Love Each Other Very Much... And It Still Won't Work Out

Which was a hard lesson to learn in one of my worst break ups.

Love is... Complicated.

And sometimes you fall head over heels for a person who is entirely wrong for you. She avoids when you confront. He's clingy and you're detached. You can love someone to the moon and back, want the best for them, want to make them so very happy but that sometimes just isn't enough. There's a certain amount of luck involved. If you could fall in love with only the people who maintaining a long, committed and serious relationship was a possibility, we wouldn't be getting it all so very wrong all the goddamn time.

Love is compicated and messy and sometimes it can make the colours of the world brighter only tear that world to shreds. Recovering from something like that can feel impossible.

But you do recover.

And great love comes for us many times, if we're willing to grow, invite it in, and keep the lessons but leave the baggage.

It's just important that during this process, you don't forget to love yourself. Love yourself, and when you love someone else, it'll feel effortless. Love can be effortless. Love can be warm and kind and you will find that person who makes you feel like all that pain and misery was worth living through just to wake up next to their smile, just to lock your fingers between theirs, just to give those early morning kisses and cold winter squishes.

And remember that no matter how much it hurts, it'll be okay some day. Allow yourself to feel and listen to the pain. Don't let bad circumstances define you.

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Day 15: A TV Show I'm Currently In Love With

Can I do another Steven Universe one? No? Damn. Okay, okay.

Here's one, Bojack Horseman.

If I had to describe Bojack Horseman in one word, it'd be human. There are like six human characters in the show but there's so much heart, honesty and charm to the show. From the painted colour work of the characters, to the fantastic voice cast, to an honest depiction of an asexual character (take notes, Riverdale).

What's Bojack Horseman about though? So back in the 90s, Bojack was in a very famous TV show. He was essentially Seinfeld, and now he's out of his prime and the greatest thing he did as an actor was a mediocre but popular television sitcom. He decides to write his memoir, and his publisher insists he gets Diane Nguyen to ghost-write when he fails to deliver a manuscript.

The show starts off kind of like the run off the mill adult cartoon, a couple political and topical jabs mixed mostly with some lowbrow humour. But, oh, in a few episodes, the show's true colours show.

Existential hell.

I'm being facetious, there's actually a lot of optimism in Bojack's existentialism. It's like that quote from Angel, if nothing we do matters, then the only thing that matters is what we do. There's a character running up a hill later on that's practically wearing a sign that says "I'm a stand in for Sisyphus".

"Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part."

Themes in Bojack vary from taking responsibility for your own happiness, how depression never really goes away but you find ways of coping, inheriting your parent's trauma, the cycle of abuse, how your warped perception of self can blind you to your own mistakes, dealing with alcoholism, the fickleness of fame, how much of a tar pit hollywoo is, the struggles of sustaining a marriage even if both parties love each other dearly, love blinding you to your significant other's faults, being accountable for your mistakes, watching your parents go old struggle with dementia, and those rare moments of lucidity they have.

And if it were any other show, I don't know if Bojack would get away with some really, unbelievably depressing themes.

But Bojack can also be hilarious.

The episode Bojack has to go on a game show against Daniel Radcliffe is a personal favourite, it's kind of a microcosm of the show's smart humour and honesty. It's not just another Family Guy wanting to poke fun at topical news and pop culture, it's a show about deconstructing characters and while it does tackle some aspects of modern politics, you'd be surprised at how nuanced it is.

If there's one show you should watch, it's Bojack Horseman. It's clever, it's fun, it asks you tough questions but it never talks down. The show always gives some slight optimistic twist.

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Day 14: A Music Album And Why It Was Inspiring

When I first heard Bring Me The Horizon's Sempiternal, it was on a golf cart, wind tunneling past us, and my friend was playing it through his Samsung Galaxy S2 connected to one of those ShoX mini speakers.

The first track he played was Go To Hell For Heaven's Sake, which honestly was the best choice. The song is the perfect microcosm of what the album is about, what the album is like stylistically, and what Bring Me The Horizon stood for. It's a scathing self-critique told as though Sykes were speaking to another person.

At the time I wasn't really all that deep into anything heavier than Bullet For My Valentine. I liked a lot of alt-rock, I loved a lot of indie, there were a bunch of top 40s hits but my favourites were guys like The Foo Fighters, Sparks The Rescue, The Used, My Chemical Romance, Rob Zombie, ACDC and the likes.

Hearing Go To Hell was kind of a revelation. I had a friend I chastised for really liking super heavy music, and to me it was like a betrayal of what metal was supposed to be (I had no idea what metal was supposed to be, Kiss, Black Sabbath and Dragonforce was about the extent of my experience).

But here it was, this song that was heavy but accessible. Relatable. Angry, but not sadistic, more like frustrated. And each song had a little hook. I remember, after asking to borrow the album, putting it in and hearing Empire's "They came like moths to a flame, you lift like a house in a hurricane" or Shadow Moses's "This is sempiternal" or Go To Hell's "When did the diamonds leave your bones". Little moments that kept the album nagging at me in the back of my head.

But then the showstealer track came along; Sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking is hands down the best track Bring Me The Horizon have ever written. It's catchy, it can be heavy, it can be a jam, and all around, it just captured a feeling I knew I'd been experiencing.

"Time stood still, the way it did before

Feels like I'm sleepwalking

Fell into another hole again

Feels like I'm sleepwalking"

Even back then I knew what the feeling was of going into auto-pilot for days on end without really having a lot of lucid moments. The frustration of that feeling. Trying to reach out. That quiet self-hatred when you are perfectly lucid, and the disorientation and directionlessness that comes in those lucid moments. "I'm at the edge of the world, where do I go from here, do I disappear?"

It was powerful.

Sempiternal, after all, is an album about mental health. It's an album about facing yourself. It's an album of dealing with that anger.

It's also about the betrayal that comes with disillusionment with religion, another thing that hit me quite hard.

"When you die, the only kingdom you'll see is two foot wide and six foot deep"

Lyrics like that. House Of Wolves expressed my frustrations with church politics, and what leaving that environment was like, seeing it all clearly for the first time.While I'd long since come out as an atheist, to just hear that experience so concisely captured, it was revelatory. Not just that, it was like this album had been written for me.

After that, the deluxe edition came out. The two tracks that, while I adore them, never felt like they really belonged on the album were Crooked Young and Deathbeds. Crooked Young felt so much more juvenile, lyrically at least, and it's a little derivative of previous orchestral accompaniments Bring Me The Horizon has used. Deathbeds is just all round an amazing song, but it's such an odd little inclusion.

"That little kiss you stole
It held my heart and soul
And like a deer in the headlights
I meet my fate
Don't try to fight the storm
You'll tumble overboard
The tides will bring me back to you

On my deathbed, all I'll see if you
The life my leave my lungs
But my heart will stay with you"

It's such an honest and open love song that it's so juxtaposed with the rest of the album. In a bubble, I do like, but if I'm giving the album a listen through, I save it for last.

One track I think is criminally underrated is And The Snakes Start To Sing.

"I'm just a would've been, could've been, never was and never ever will be"

The song sometimes comes off as the culmination of this frustration, the height of it all, starting off calm but ending in this huge bridge that lashes out, that questions, that pushes back. It asks those questions.

I love it.

This album inspired me, it showed me a certain way to use my voice, and it solidified my love for this band. It's the album I hope to make one day, in what it means and what it does. It was a crucial stepping stone for me, and without it, I don't think I'd like metal as much as I do today.

Sempiternal is, simply put, my favourite record. I love it dearly. I hope more people get to experience it.

And that Coldplay admits they blatantly ripped off the cover, jussayin'.

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Day 13: A Drawing, and The Story Behind It

This is Depression Cat.

I doodled this in my diary, the front of which I use to remember homework and the back of which I sketch in. Depression Cat is kind of a representation of me when the noise is too much. He's dressed up in his suit but there are bags under his eyes and where there would be a background, there's just the noise. The questions and the doubts and the worries and the fears and the self-hatred all talking at once, talking over each other, jumbled and messy and confusing and almost impossible to unpack. Depression Cat just wants the noise to go away. He's trying his best to fake it, like he's doing okay. But he's not. There's just so much noise. If only the noise could stop.

I drew this at the time because I think it was easier than freewriting. If it's me I'm writing about, I sometimes can't get the right words out, but Depression Cat can. I get that look on my face and I know what it means. I have those thoughts and I can relate. Those are my thoughts too. I wanna hug Depression Cat and tell him it's all going to be okay, that he'll get better with money, that he'll find that one person who'll love him forever and that he'll love forever, that his life has meaning, that he's a good person, that he won't die alone, that he'll make something of himself, that existence can be hard but it can also be so good because I know that, I objectively know those things, or at least some of them.

I just wish I could tell myself that.

But maybe I wouldn't hear it, just like Depression Cat can't hear me. Maybe the best we can do is share those problems and relate to one another and going through it together is the only thing we can do to make it easier.

But if I could reach you, Depression Cat, if I could make it better for you, I would. I'm sorry that you feel this way. But you won't always. Maybe one day you'll be Benevolent Cat or Expressive Cat or Visits That One Hip Cafe A Little Too Often Cat.

If nothing else, I hope you know the noise won't always be there. Sometimes, you'll actually hear the cars pass by or the birds singing or the music playing from the lounge, okay, Depression Cat? You'll be okay.

You'll be okay.

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Day 12: An Area Of My Life I'd like To Improve

Everybody wants to improve, right? If you improve, you show yourself you can be better than you were, and therefore become better than you are. It's a process. There's always some aspect you can work harder towards.

Self-discipline is my biggest one, I think.

I'm kind of a cram artist by nature, I started way more often than I finish and I haven't developed the greatest work ethic. Even now, many days behind schedule, I'm still chipping away at this challenge. I try only write when I can give it my best effort, which I think isn't the best tactic. I hate writing bad pieces, and since you'll never have the displeasure of reading some of my discarded drafts, trust me, however bad it is for me to read, it's more painful for me to write.

But bad writing can always be edited, in fact, most good writing is just bad writing someone kept filing down until it was worth a read.

And I also just get severe attacks of the lazies.

I think if I cold better my self-discipline, I could improve my life in a lot of ways. Getting a handle on your person and taking responsibility for your actions is the toughest thing to do. Improving your behaviour is hard. Do-able, but hard.

I want to be a better student, I want to exercise more, eat better, write more, develop more, practice music more. Self-discipline is probably the place to start. I guess I want to be better at being better, and that comes from not just wishing but actively internalizing change. To not just wait for motivation to come. To act better in the present, so that I can in the future lean on my efforts of the past. 

That's the area of my life I wanna improve. Self-discipline.

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Day 11: A Letter To Someone (To Future Me, from 2018)

Hey, Matthew.

How's it going? Are you doing okay? Maybe I don't ask you that enough. Well I hope you're happy and well, in good health, working towards your goals and living a good life. If things are rough, well ,the rough times will end. Just hold in there, mate.

I don't have any profound wisdom for you this time around. Truthfully this letter is more of me than it is for you. These one way conversations can be exhausting, although I suppose if you could reach me from the future we wouldn't need to do it this way. I guess I'll just see what it's like when I get there.

Some days, I find myself dissociating.

Do you remember that?

The numbness takes over and things just pass me by. I think I'm that joke. You know the one? Where you stop caring as a self-defense mechanism but now you're on autopilot so often that moments of true lucidity become rare and rarer. Even now. Writing feels a little bit like going through the motions, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm hoping that if I keep going through the motions, some of it will start feeling natural again. Maybe I'll shake it off. Maybe I won't. I guess only you know.

If you ask me how it's going, that's tough question. Okay, I guess. Hard to say. Sometimes I'll look at the clock and an hour will have gone by and I can't really account for what I did in it. It was probably unimportant. I don't do much important. Well, I suppose this is important. It feels important, anyway. Like I'm doing something instead of nothing. Creating something tangible. Something of worth. I don't feel like I do a lot of that.

Am I doing that? I hope I'm doing that.

Just know it's okay. I'll be okay, I think. You'll be okay. We'll be okay. I gotta hope as much. Someday it'll shake and I'll be able to feel time pass normally. Maybe I'm damaged goods. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe there's something genuinely wrong with me.I just hope we're in different places. That you're in a better place. Maybe I'll work up the courage to write you a proper letter in December. Give you something you can keep and use to make things better. I have faith that you'll have made things better. I believe in you. In me. In us. We'll get there.

It'll all work out.

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Day 10: Ways To Win My Heart

Oh God, only day 10 and I've already dropped the ball. Sorry, exams have kept  me busy, but I've got some awesome things in the works to make up for it, alright? I promise you'll love me.

Okay, here's the long and short of it; I'm a simple person to please.

My favourite movie of all time is Scott Pilgrim vs The World and being able to pull out quotes at any time is a surefire way to win me over. Tell me your favourite band is Bring Me the Horizon and I might love you forever. Use an Android phone, please, just use an android phone.

I love people who laugh, and just being a good person overall is a must. Although I like a bit of edge, cuss, play rough, listen to something that would make your conservative aunt gasp indignantly.

Play music. Or sing. My ideal person is someone I can do shower duets with because it gets lonely singing both parts of You're The One That I Want to my shampoo bottle.

Also, a coffee person, please, be a coffee person. Tea is fine every now and then but how do tea people do it, live their lives as if there aren't problems you need to *drown* in caffeine.

Also be a DC fan. Or at least love Young Justice as I love Young Justice.

That's me, easy peasy lemon squeezy. Or maybe I am difficult difficult lemon difficult, I don't know, I've never had to win my own heart before, I just love myself  unconditionally anyway.

Until next time.

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