How's it going? Are you doing okay? Maybe I don't ask you that enough. Well I hope you're happy and well, in good health, working towards your goals and living a good life. If things are rough, well ,the rough times will end. Just hold in there, mate.
I don't have any profound wisdom for you this time around. Truthfully this letter is more of me than it is for you. These one way conversations can be exhausting, although I suppose if you could reach me from the future we wouldn't need to do it this way. I guess I'll just see what it's like when I get there.
Some days, I find myself dissociating.
Do you remember that?
The numbness takes over and things just pass me by. I think I'm that joke. You know the one? Where you stop caring as a self-defense mechanism but now you're on autopilot so often that moments of true lucidity become rare and rarer. Even now. Writing feels a little bit like going through the motions, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm hoping that if I keep going through the motions, some of it will start feeling natural again. Maybe I'll shake it off. Maybe I won't. I guess only you know.
If you ask me how it's going, that's tough question. Okay, I guess. Hard to say. Sometimes I'll look at the clock and an hour will have gone by and I can't really account for what I did in it. It was probably unimportant. I don't do much important. Well, I suppose this is important. It feels important, anyway. Like I'm doing something instead of nothing. Creating something tangible. Something of worth. I don't feel like I do a lot of that.
Am I doing that? I hope I'm doing that.
Just know it's okay. I'll be okay, I think. You'll be okay. We'll be okay. I gotta hope as much. Someday it'll shake and I'll be able to feel time pass normally. Maybe I'm damaged goods. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe there's something genuinely wrong with me.I just hope we're in different places. That you're in a better place. Maybe I'll work up the courage to write you a proper letter in December. Give you something you can keep and use to make things better. I have faith that you'll have made things better. I believe in you. In me. In us. We'll get there.
It'll all work out.
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