Day 16: Things I've Learned About Love From My Exes

An important part of growing as a person and sussing out the right person or persons for you is looking at your past relationships and seeing what you can learn from them. Not just so you can be a better partner, but so you can recognize when things go wrong and end a relationship with as little pain as possible, and so you can know which types of relationships to avoid entirely.

Here's five things past relationships have taught me, from 5 different exes;

1. Passion is key

I remember reading an article once about how every successful relationship is built upon three pillars; Commitment, Friendship and Passion. Whilst it's a bit of an oversimplification, there's also a lot of compromise involved and knowing when to give space or when to hold tighter along with a myriad of other factors, I can guarantee that without all three of those things, your relationship will inevitably fall apart.

In the past, I've dated people with whom I was friendly with, really great friends with in fact, and to who I was committed to forming a functional and healthy relationships with. But the problem is when there wasn't any passion involved.

Passion is hard to define but to me, it's lust and overwhelming love, those lingering thoughts of growing old and the what ifs of getting married. The fireworks when you kiss. The way the Earth seems to physically stand still when you look into their eyes. Those chemicals swirling in your brain as you connect that make you happy and manic.

Passion is important.

So when it's gone, that's when your relationship becomes somewhat dysfunctional. When you regard your significant other so much more as a friend than a lover, you can start to form cracks. Cracks like wanting isolation. Cracks like feeling suffocated or trapped.

If the passion seems to be dying, and you can't look at your significant other with the same love you used to, that's when it might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

2. Long Distance is a Killer

I dated someone who lived about an hour and a half's drive away, traffic permitting. While it wasn't as extreme as other long distance relationships, even that drive was enough a barrier to create a divide between us as people over time.

Because here's the thing, you can love someone very dearly, but sometimes that love can be unreasonably inconvenient. Distance means travel expenses and income is limited. The yearning for the physical touch of another can be so overwhelming that it can hurt and that pain can actually drive you crazy.

I'm not saying that long distance relationships are always unfeasible, I have a great friend who every proves that oceans can't keep two determined lovers apart. It's inspiring and wonderful, but here is the catch; Not everyone's lives has room for a committed long distance relationship. A relationship should better your quality of life, not put a burden on it. If your relationship takes so much more than it gives, it's hard not to buckle under that pressure, and yes, long distance couples often break up very vitriolically because of how painful those breaks can be.

Make sure when you engage in a long distance relationship that the both of you have the means to sustain it, both in tangible assets, and emotional strength. If one of you buckles, both of you buckles.

3. Dating your best friend is unbelievably dangerous

And I think you should very carefully consider it. It took me the longest time to get over a break up with someone I was unbelievably close with, and I still have emotional scars to this day. It's like a phantom ache. Because the worst part about breaking up with your best friend?

You could very easily lose your best friend.

And while your first heartbreak is like a knife, the fallout from your first big love is like being ripped in half; you heal.

Losing your best friend is like losing a limb.

Please be careful.

4. Most Break Ups end Bad, but that doesn't mean they have to stay bad

I can't count how many exes I've lost track of because we broke up so painfully that leaving each other alone forever just felt like the right thing to do.

But a handful of times, those relationships grew stronger.

Over Christmas one year I decided to reach out to a girl I'd cared for a lot, but who I didn't part with on the best of terms. Christmas is that kind of time of year and by reaching out, I'd actually helped mend a lot of my own wounds. We managed to have an open conversation about how it went wrong and both admitted to not feeling any animosity towards the other, perhaps even still carrying lingering affection, despite knowing we couldn't work out.

You know what happened then? We became close friends.

Being friends with your ex is a tricky thing but honestly, if you know the two of you aren't meant to be and you still care about each other, still long for those conversations, it's worth remaining friends. Your ex can actually become one of your best friends, as someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else but who cares about your happiness only in a platonic capacity. That's a powerful support network to have in your life and you'd be surprised at how well they can inform you about future or current relationships just by being frank about how the two of you went wrong.

Being friends with your ex can actually make yourself a better partner to a future lover.

Just don't avoid conversations with your significant other in order to have a safer version with an ex. That person isn't dating you any more, and if you have something you need to say, you should say it.

5. You Can Both Love Each Other Very Much... And It Still Won't Work Out

Which was a hard lesson to learn in one of my worst break ups.

Love is... Complicated.

And sometimes you fall head over heels for a person who is entirely wrong for you. She avoids when you confront. He's clingy and you're detached. You can love someone to the moon and back, want the best for them, want to make them so very happy but that sometimes just isn't enough. There's a certain amount of luck involved. If you could fall in love with only the people who maintaining a long, committed and serious relationship was a possibility, we wouldn't be getting it all so very wrong all the goddamn time.

Love is compicated and messy and sometimes it can make the colours of the world brighter only tear that world to shreds. Recovering from something like that can feel impossible.

But you do recover.

And great love comes for us many times, if we're willing to grow, invite it in, and keep the lessons but leave the baggage.

It's just important that during this process, you don't forget to love yourself. Love yourself, and when you love someone else, it'll feel effortless. Love can be effortless. Love can be warm and kind and you will find that person who makes you feel like all that pain and misery was worth living through just to wake up next to their smile, just to lock your fingers between theirs, just to give those early morning kisses and cold winter squishes.

And remember that no matter how much it hurts, it'll be okay some day. Allow yourself to feel and listen to the pain. Don't let bad circumstances define you.