I'm trying to find some big regret, and I really am struggling. I'm a person that's far more concerned with the future than the past.
I guess the only thing I can genuinely regret is not pursuing music more enthusiastically. I mean, I have moderate skill as a guitarist, I should actually put much more into music than I have in the past. In highschool, when I started lessons... There were people to play with, I guess, but not a lot of people who were as into it. A good friend of my dad's was on a tangent the other day about what he wants to leave his kids...
I guess, I do wanna hold that physical copy of my own album and play tell my kids how hardcore their dad was back in the day. I also want to have created something.. Something celebrated, something widespread... I mean, I listen to so much stuff, and I always wondered, why can't I do that? And as a product of an industrialist society, we sometimes tell our kids that they won't amount to anything pursuing the arts, and that's wrong, I think we need to support art more, we need to stop being afraid of art, and we need to at least just say, being a musician, or a dancer, or a painter, or a graphic designer is hard work, but you can do it if you believe in yourself, you're willing to go through tough times, and you're willing to let us support you. I myself am glad I ended up in computer science though.
I guess my biggest regret is just not starting to write music earlier in life. But it wouldn't be as big a regret as leaving that shit out entirely. A while back I would've said it was this girl I dated for like a week and a half, but you know what? Looking back at it now, I don't even know why I was so beat up about it. Maybe it's because I feel things so deeply, and one of the worst feelings for me is when someone gives up on me, or makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Especially because of the people I date and who I am, I'm always scared that one date I'll just get the bat because their parents don't approve of my culture or just because of my skin colour... It's a genuine fear I have now, I guess. Something similar happened to a friend of mine. And I personally couldn't go through that process... One of my pre-reqs for dating anyone is that I want them to date me, because they chose me, not because their parents did, and if their parents don't approve then I want that person to be in a place where they can have that conversation, and say, "The two of you aren't dating him, I am, and whether you approve or not is irrelevant because if my happiness was your only concern then we wouldn't have this problem, but clearly you have issues on your end that you need to sort out, and I'm not going to let your problems dictate who I enter a relationship with."
Maybe not in so many words but yeah...
Getting back on track, it work out with this girl, oh no, end of the world... Not. I moved on, I was happy, I somehow ended up dating the same girl three times, and I have absolutely no regrets there... I guess I really did do my best to be mature, and I put my all into that relationship and even if I was a total freaking asshole during some points after the end... But I guess that's just a bad process and I don't really regret that either, I dunno, that kind of thing bounces of me, as the dumpee, I think you're entitled to some assholeness, haha...
Anyway, yeah. Day 19.
I guess my biggest regret is just not starting to write music earlier in life. But it wouldn't be as big a regret as leaving that shit out entirely. A while back I would've said it was this girl I dated for like a week and a half, but you know what? Looking back at it now, I don't even know why I was so beat up about it. Maybe it's because I feel things so deeply, and one of the worst feelings for me is when someone gives up on me, or makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Especially because of the people I date and who I am, I'm always scared that one date I'll just get the bat because their parents don't approve of my culture or just because of my skin colour... It's a genuine fear I have now, I guess. Something similar happened to a friend of mine. And I personally couldn't go through that process... One of my pre-reqs for dating anyone is that I want them to date me, because they chose me, not because their parents did, and if their parents don't approve then I want that person to be in a place where they can have that conversation, and say, "The two of you aren't dating him, I am, and whether you approve or not is irrelevant because if my happiness was your only concern then we wouldn't have this problem, but clearly you have issues on your end that you need to sort out, and I'm not going to let your problems dictate who I enter a relationship with."
Maybe not in so many words but yeah...
Getting back on track, it work out with this girl, oh no, end of the world... Not. I moved on, I was happy, I somehow ended up dating the same girl three times, and I have absolutely no regrets there... I guess I really did do my best to be mature, and I put my all into that relationship and even if I was a total freaking asshole during some points after the end... But I guess that's just a bad process and I don't really regret that either, I dunno, that kind of thing bounces of me, as the dumpee, I think you're entitled to some assholeness, haha...
Anyway, yeah. Day 19.
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