Might get very real here guys, won't even lie, but you know what, that is okay. That is perfectly fine.
Let's start with the lows.
I actually failed two modules, and refused to write a third. One of them I passed because of winter school, but I was dealing with a lot of feelings of inadequacy that I guess I've never really processed. I'm still adjusting. Every day, I'm adjusting. And I feel like I'm always behind in some way. Sometimes it gets so bad that I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Some days I don't make it out of bed. There was the first break up in February that just... Tore my world apart. Just... Broken. I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know if I will ever be over it. I guess... I was holding on so tightly and that I convinced myself that I could fix something that was so broken, and I beat myself up about it, I berate myself... It's just completely unhealthy behavior. I guess I just really loved that person. So unconditionally and completely that when she stopped feeling that way about me, I guess a part of me never wanted to ever feel that way again, a part of me never understood why loving someone so much just wasn't enough. And then there was the second break up. And I wanted to move on, and I thought I was ready for this big adult relationship and I expected so much of it, and I based a good deal of my happiness on it... But after a weekend with a good friend of mine I realised that I wan't doing this for the right reasons, that I wasn't... In love. I just... I cared very much for this person, but I didn't feel anything close to what I used to feel. But feeling something was just such a relief, such a change... It wasn't so cold anymore... I looked at the world and saw brighter colours, saw things I hadn't seen in months... But, I realised that I needed to make that come from within. That it would eventually just... Break. Pop. Blow up. And I'd be sitting with more pieces of shrapnel in my chest, and I'd just started to dig them out. I didn't want to get hurt. So I broke it off. And it was a real low. Drifting apart from friends was also a low. I also lost myself a few times as well. Had some... Epic depressive fits.
I guess I could nitpick about how bad this year has been. but...
Highs.
I rode the Gautrain by myself today. It was incredible... I have never felt so free, or independent... It was... Just this experience... Suddenly, I did something by myself, just for me. I traveled across districts. I traveled across cities. It seems small but... I did it. Me. Without relying on anyone else. I boarded a train. Rode it to Midrand. And saw a good friend. I also PASSED CALCULUS WITH 70% AND I FEEL INCREDIBLE ABOUT IT! I failed that test twice. I was broken, and bruised by it, and I thought that I wasn't even meant to be in this degree... But I finally passed that fucking module. It was just... The best sensation. This past year I also learned to be so much more independent. I cook and clean for myself. I mean, I live on my own. Out here. I pay for my own wifi. I'm slowly becoming more and more... Mature, older... Wiser... I'm still a stupid kid though, and that's okay... But slowly, I'm growing up. And that used to scare the hell out of me, but it's... So good. It's... Freeing. Like I feel I was chained to this ignorance, and I can finally accept that I know very little, and I need to learn a lot, but I'm actually learning, and I'm never going to stop learning, and that life is an incredible journey and no part is something to be afraid of. The bad chapters of a book are just that. Chapters. They end. They're finite. The whole book itself is just... A great read...
This year I made new friends and found friends in old acquaintances and got out of my comfort zone so many times I actually am starting to enjoy just staying in with no obligations, so kudos to me... I also realised that friends my drift apart, but put us in the same room for five minutes to reminisce and swap stories and we're thick as thieves again. I also discovered something very important about myself. I also became a bigger person. I got my first piercing. I struggled and overcame challenges. This year has been a wonderful year, really. I've... Grown. I am definitely not the same person I was seven months ago. I've undergone some metamorphosis. I've gained new values. I've found new ways to cope... And I've started a journey. I'm on a new pathway. I've stumbled and kept walking... I've been amazing... And I mean, I guess today I also realised a little bit about self love. About not just being a little bit easier on yourself, but also praising yourself for the good you've done.
I am definitely not going to be the same after first year. No one will look at me the same. Hell, in two weeks you all might just think, fut the wuck? Who is this person? But you know what, that is okay. I'd rather be unrecognizable and still be me than be a poor imitation of who I'm supposed to be...
That was amazing. You can fucking quote me on that. Take that to the bank. Get that tattooed.
Anyway, yeah...
Sorry for the delay, yet again... I think I've actually gotten a bit of a fanbase... My blog hit 400 views and I wanna say thank you to everyone who read this and took the time to hear me out even when my views conflicted with yours and this is a journey, we're taking it together, you and me. Maybe through my mundane adventures you discover something about yourself. Maybe you come out with a higher truth. Hell, maybe you just come out with your next facebook rant, whatever man. But I appreciate you anyway. I love doing what I do and I love you for reading up on it.
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