You might be trying to get over someone right now, or maybe you're waiting for the first someone, or maybe you're waiting for the first someone in a while. When I'm in that headspace, I always think of that one Dance Gavin Dance lyric, "I know we test each other to feel the limits, we all need partners for the pain of existence". I've experienced loneliness and great love, and in some ironic joke played on me by the universe, both at the same time. I've experienced the pain of great love fading and eventually disappearing altogether, I've experienced my heart beating through my chest when kissing that special someone, I've felt the pterodactyls in my tummy, I've felt the chills down my spine, the electricity through my veins, the fireworks going off in my mind, the earth stop spinning for a singular moment. I've experienced awful fights where you're not yourself and you say something terrible because you're hurt and you want to hurt them back. I've experienced moments where you look at that person and, poof. It's gone. The fireworks have turned to ashes, the pterodactyls have turned to air, the magic has gone and nothing. There's nothing there anymore. It happens. Life happens. Love happens. Falling out of love happens. You've probably heard yourself say something like, "What if I go through life trying to find the person I love second most?" or "I don't want to end up alone." or "Love sucks, it's just too painful." or "I thought I was over them, but I'm not. Maybe I never will be."
Maybe that's true for you right now. But chances are, it won't always be.
A while back, I had a bunch of those thoughts, and whenever I feel sad about my own lonely existence or I'm sick or just any not happy feeling in general, I go back and watch How I Met Your Mother. This is relevant, I promise. Around about episode six of season one, there's a moment that I guess stays with you the entire show, and long after you've stopped watching.
.
(Caption: Robin: "How do you do this Ted? How do sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?"
Ted: "Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just ... you know, sit and wait")
And the weird thing is, I think that's all of us. Waiting for that moment of serendipity as you walk into the coffee house and he or she is reading your favourite book and you just know. Waiting for that moment where love creeps up from behind and pistol whips you, takes the self-preservation out of your emotional wallet and you're left bleeding feelings all over the pavement while wondering exactly how you got there.
I think the first thing that you have to be is patient with yourself. I do believe that generally, when you look for something, you'll likely find it. But remember that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and you have to give yourself permission to be exactly where you are in life. And that you do have a life outside the person you'll end up with one day.
But let's talk statistics. You realize that you're one of seven billion human beings on this earth, right? If we factor for gender, sexuality and age, that usually leaves several millions of other humans just like you that are pretty much all potential partners. If you won't listen to me, at least listen to Tim Minchin. The statistical likelyhood of you ending up alone is actually worse than you finding someone you don't mind making pancakes for in the morning.
The other thing is, do you know how easy it actually is to fall in love? As unfortunate as it is that I'm quoting a 2003 sitcom twice in one article, if you have chemistry, you only need one thing. Timing. And timing's a bitch.
(Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/413134965786670188/)
Chemistry happens to be pretty easy actually. In an article about the science of falling in love, without going into too much detail about hormones and actual brain chemistry, the prescribed ingredients for seeing the sun shine out of someone's ass is;
Maybe that's true for you right now. But chances are, it won't always be.
A while back, I had a bunch of those thoughts, and whenever I feel sad about my own lonely existence or I'm sick or just any not happy feeling in general, I go back and watch How I Met Your Mother. This is relevant, I promise. Around about episode six of season one, there's a moment that I guess stays with you the entire show, and long after you've stopped watching.
.
(Caption: Robin: "How do you do this Ted? How do sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkin's going to show up?"
Ted: "Well, I'm pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isn't going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just ... you know, sit and wait")
And the weird thing is, I think that's all of us. Waiting for that moment of serendipity as you walk into the coffee house and he or she is reading your favourite book and you just know. Waiting for that moment where love creeps up from behind and pistol whips you, takes the self-preservation out of your emotional wallet and you're left bleeding feelings all over the pavement while wondering exactly how you got there.
I think the first thing that you have to be is patient with yourself. I do believe that generally, when you look for something, you'll likely find it. But remember that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, and you have to give yourself permission to be exactly where you are in life. And that you do have a life outside the person you'll end up with one day.
But let's talk statistics. You realize that you're one of seven billion human beings on this earth, right? If we factor for gender, sexuality and age, that usually leaves several millions of other humans just like you that are pretty much all potential partners. If you won't listen to me, at least listen to Tim Minchin. The statistical likelyhood of you ending up alone is actually worse than you finding someone you don't mind making pancakes for in the morning.
The other thing is, do you know how easy it actually is to fall in love? As unfortunate as it is that I'm quoting a 2003 sitcom twice in one article, if you have chemistry, you only need one thing. Timing. And timing's a bitch.
(Source: https://za.pinterest.com/pin/413134965786670188/)
Chemistry happens to be pretty easy actually. In an article about the science of falling in love, without going into too much detail about hormones and actual brain chemistry, the prescribed ingredients for seeing the sun shine out of someone's ass is;
- Find a complete stranger (I hear this is optional, just someone you're relatively attracted to)
- Reveal intimate details about your life to each other for about half an hour (don't mention your basement full of dead babies, that's second date material)
- Stare deeply into each other's eyes for about four minutes (although I hear this doesn't have to be done entirely consecutively)
That's it. The actual process of falling in love is so stupidly simple and automatic that you rarely ever realize it's happening.
Allowing yourself to get out there and open up to another human being? That's fucking scary. It's so terrifying that some people go their entire lives without ever doing it. And some people get hurt or go through some terrible things that prevent them from ever letting themselves be vulnerable enough to fall in love. But that's okay. Because we don't always properly mourn or grieve at the end of a huge relationship. We don't bury the past in that same place as our formative memories where they embarrass us at night while overthinking our lives but don't actively influence our every day decisions. We don't create graves for dead relationships. Often, we keep watering dead plants. Often, we keep trying to reconnect wires that have been cut. Try to repair broken machines. Try to find a dead spark.
If your relationship with someone is a person, a separate entity, and that entity is either changed beyond recognition or has passed on, you have to properly grieve for it, in order to move on with your life. And this is the world's most inexact science. If there was a button after every break up and I could remove all the bitterness, animosity, pain, happy memories, shove it all into a box and set the box on fire and scatter the ashes atop Everest, the label would be worn from overuse. But it's not that simple and if you've found a way to make it that simple honestly, I'd pay for your council. The only thing I can say is, there are a couple of things to try.
- Try a pallet cleanser. The best way to get a bad taste out of your mouth is to wash it down with something else. It's okay to play the field, try something casual before moving onto something serious.
- Find something of your ex, and destroy it. It's oddly cathartic, but don't go overboard. The point is to make it blatantly obvious to yourself that the person is out of your life, and that you're closing the door behind them
- Try writing an angry letter to that person, then tearing it up.
- Talking with your ex like an actual adult sometimes works. Finding out what worked, what didn't, how the two of you will proceed in the future, talking over issues you had with each other and resolving those issues and solidifying the notion that breaking up is without a doubt the best course of action can help speed up the process
- And finally putting distance between you and your ex. Simply put, if that person isn't going to be the most important person in your life, they don't need to be the person you spend the most time on. Spending time on self-care and with friends, going out and trying new things and reminding yourself who you are outside of your previous relationship helps to ground you in single life again.
It takes time and effort to move on. But before you know it, you'll wake up and the sun will be bright and air will taste different and you'll have started the first day of the rest of your life.
But after all that, maybe it's not that easy. Maybe you won't meet the love of your life or the next great love tomorrow. Hell, maybe you already have and they slipped through your fingers. Maybe you have several times and it just never seems to work out. Maybe you felt it so deeply that you doubt anyone will ever come close to making the sun shine the way that person did.
But hey, news flash. Great love comes at you repeatedly, in different intervals, until one of those fuckers finally gets you to tie the knot and go have kids.
That's just life.
Seven billion humans, all with roughly a lifespan of 80 years. If you don't find great love with those odds, if you don't find at least one in a million in all of those millions, if something so fucking great and as it turns out, not all that improbable doesn't happen to you repeatedly over the course of your whole goddamn existence, you probably weren't meant to fall in love anyway.
Love happens. It'll happen to you.
And where you are right now is good a place as any to wait for it. Just keep your eyes open and let it happen when it comes. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, so don't worry too much about the timing.
"I know we test each other to feel the limits, we all need partners for the pain of existence."