Why being sex positive is so important

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that slut-shaming has to end. It's pointless, its tasteless, its offensive and has no real place in society today. It holds us back and prevents us from progressing as people, and slut-shaming stigmatizes sex and makes people self-conscious about something that in reality just isn't that big of a deal.

If you've never encountered the term before, here's a loose definition. Slut-shaming is the act of shaming, ridiculing or otherwise stigmatizing a person for having had many sexual encounters in the past, or being currently involved with several sexual partners, and extends to things even as trivial as dressing or acting provocatively. It's a little more nuanced than that, but it can range from anything from calling a woman slutty for wearing daisy dukes, or for actually just describing someone as slutty, loose, easy, whoreish, cheap or anything to that effect. Another unnerving common slut-shaming practice is to shame couples or people who have sex out of wed-lock.

If we have to go into the politics of it all, sluts-shaming is usually more of a problem in conservative circles, but every so often it rears its head in liberal circles. It's not really accurate to say it's a conservative or right-wing problem, because its symptomatic of another much larger problem, which is that its only recently that we've become more sex-positive as a society, and its largely only younger people who are very sex-positive. I was lucky to be raised in a house where sex wasn't treated like a taboo thing. My parents would often openly talk about it and joke around about sex and sexuality, and I think that very normalization is what made me the sex-positive person I am today.

On the opposite side of things, there might be some prude-shaming happening somewhere in some circles, and I've definitely seen in come up in a film or two, and I don't really want to dismiss it as something that doesn't exist but it is something that definitely happens much more infrequently. I still don't condone shaming anyone for the amount of sex they do or do not have, or how modestly or immodestly anyone dresses or acts, it's a deplorable act. There is no "right" amount of sex to be having.

And I think the blatant way we shame each other about the amount of sex we have is why we all need to be more sex-positive.

It's really hard for me to define exactly what makes any person sex-positive, but by sex-positivity, I don't mean actively having sex or seeking it out. Sex-positivity is about normalizing sex, openly talking about sex, viewing sex as a positive thing and not stigmatizing or demonizing sex. It's encouraging exploration of ones sexual identity and allowing for the growth of one's sexuality, but also not forcing anything. I want to make the very clear distinction that being sex-positive isn't about blindly advocating for anyone to have more sex, but that sex-positivity is about having a positive attitude towards sex.

The unfortunate truth is that not being sex-positive only creates issues. It isn't the 1800s anymore, and we aren't puritanical creatures by nature. We derive pleasure from sex, we have the ability to have sex for reasons other than pro-creation or the often toted "intimacy" that we're told to wait until our wedding night for, and honestly, sex is just kind of great (I do also advocate safe sex, please, do practice safe sex, and don't take unnecessary risks). But the thing is, when we limit sex to just being about procreation or intimacy with a married partner, we do some really harmful things, such as:

• Turning sex into something shameful, rather than personal.
• Reducing each other into things to be owned, like little children claiming presents that only they can open and no one else can.
• Using intangible and relatively inconsequential concepts such as virginity as a measure of any person's objective character quality
• Defining sex in such a way that it can only mean penetrative penal/vaginal sex, rather than as the complicated and broad conversation that sex really is
• Reserving intimacy only for those married, which for many people in the world, simply isn't a reality, such as gay couples who live in countries where marriage isn't legal, or widows who don't want to remarry, or anyone who has sex that is intimate that isn't married! 

Sex-positivity is also what allows for empathy with sex workers, men and women who are the least protected from sexual crimes. The unfortunate reality is that sex-workers endure slut-shaming from their friends, families, strangers and even their own clients. Sex workers are also very much at risk of experiencing sexual violence, and due to sex work being criminalized in most countries, they are also unable to report sex crimes committed against them and are sometimes unjustly arrested when they are in fact the victims. And without any sex-positivity, as a person, it becomes exponentially harder to empathize with sex workers.

Sex positivity is important. It is so, so important. I can't stress that enough. I can't argue it enough. I think it's one of the most humane qualities a person can have, even if one doesn't personally agree with having a lot of sex or numerous sexual partners.

And I think, as humans, we can sometimes very much lack humanity.

We should work on that.

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Being Bisexual; Sex, Depression, and figuring out which chopstick is the fork

"So like, when you, you know, do it with boys, which one of you is the girl?"

The other day someone asked me one of those questions that comes up in every "Things you should never ask gay men" video which I'd assume is common knowledge about basic social interactions. As I bisexual, I have the privileged of being able to "act straight" in most company, so the questions I get about my sex life are usually of a mostly hetero-normative variety. People tend to perceive me as being more "straight" and I am a E2-E3 on the Purple-Red Scale which I believe far better describes my sexual orientation than just simply stating "bisexual" or 3 on the Kinsey Scale. As a side note, no one has really developed a system for non-binary gender attractions, which is very unfortunate since I don't think I could state mine any more eloquently than "As long as they got da booty".  For the most part, I'm not a very flamboyant or eccentric person(or maybe to a lot of people I am, but I like to think myself at least a little bit grounded), my usual demeanor is usually either cynical or exhausted, unless you allow me to go off on a tirade about something I'd display socially unacceptable levels of affection for. Another fun complication this brings about is that the gay-dar doesn't really go off around me and no one really gets any signal from the bi-wi-fi either, which makes dating boys a lot harder than it should be. When my queerness does come up it seems to be this sensational piece of gossip that isn't usually talked about, and while I strive to live in my full truth, I gotta say yet again for the people in the back;

(credit; inhumanshieldsketches)

So I'd like to ask everyone in the world to really read this next sentence over, read it a couple times, even if you've taken this advice to heart and you're the strongest, most active LGBTQ ally out there and especially if you don't know a lot of queer folk;

Our sex lives are as personal as yours is, so unless we're really close, don't ask us anything that would be too forward to ask a stranger on the bus.

Especially anything phrased as awfully as which one of you is the girl. I like what someone said about gay sex, and to butcher the quote, gay sex is literally one of the manliest things you could do because there's literally only men involved, so why do we keep asking questions like "Who's the 'girl'?"

There is no girl. That's literally the point of homo pro boning. Which chopstick is the fork?

But the actual meaning veiled behind some sincerely disturbing ideas about masculinity is even more perplexing. Who wears the strap on when you and your husband do anal, Deborah? Who is topping and who is bottoming isn't really anyone's fucking business. Some guys are also versatile and do both, just like some guys like fucking girls and boys because why deny yourself half the world's pleasures? Also, and I cannot repeat this enough, anal is not the only form of sex gay/queer men can have.

Once more, in bold this time, anal is not the only form of sex gay/queer men can have.

Sex is a conversation covering so many broad topics and some of the best sex you might ever have could involve no penetration whatsoever. Sex isn't just hump hump hump cum roll out of bed and go back to hating yourself. Sex is intimacy. Sex is fun. Sex is beautiful and wonderful and whatever you and the person you should be unashamedly fucking decide it is. Sex can be sloppy or romantic or a drunken flurry of limbs or missionary while staring unblinkingly into each other's eyes or mutual masturbation or three hours of 69 but as long as it's consensual and fun and you and your partner communicate that's all that matters.

But those are just some of the most recent things I've had to deal with. The other thing is that, for one, coming out kinda throws your identity out of whack. For the longest time I ignored or disregarded all of my same sex attractions because I knew I was into girls and that definitely without a doubt made me straight because if I wasn't straight then I wouldn't be into girls. I had a lot of toxic thought processes like that and once I overcame those thoughts it also threw everything else I knew into a different perspective. And now, I look back and I'm finding my tastes are also changing because I'm allowing myself to like things that I thought I couldn't like because I liked other directly conflicting things, for example, I found myself unashamedly enjoying Kanye's Power and 2013 me would have slapped my shit broken for doing something the muggles would do. I'm still finding new hardcore and metalcore bands every day and Stray From The Path's new single brought a tear to my eye with how unbefuckinglievably dope it was. And that's great. I used to be the kind of elitist fuck that wrote all of hip hop off as garbage made by garbage musicians. Which is an incredibly naive thing to think because if I heard Watsky's x Infinity or All You Can Do three years ago I would have spun on a fucking dime. Or maybe not, I mean, three years of personal growth is nothing to discount. But things I really used to like I'm finding a little awful now. Some of my favourite anime seems super awful and unbearable. Most anime actually. I used to be able to identify with it because of how much of an outsider I used to feel like and a lot of shounen is written specifically to help people relate to and overcome that feeling. But everything I watch nowadays simply just misses the mark with me. I find myself much more of a snob about animation quality for one, but as soon as I see some awful homophobic or misogynistic trope dancing around the screen for a cheap laugh, it gives me that feeling in my stomach I got in highschool when my friends kept saying "that's so gay!" when they really meant "that's so shitty!".

This transition of character has kept me up at night honestly wondering if I have any idea who I am, or who I want to be any more. Life keeps handing me curve balls and every time I think I know something with absolute certainty, I get punched in the gut and told, lol nope.

But oh well. Such is life.

The takeaway from this is that people change. And that shouldn't depress you. It depresses me sometimes but it's ultimately for the best. We all have to be deconstructed in a cocoon of formative years before we can emerge as nihilistic but ultimately content with our general place in the universe butterflies. So just to reiterate;

-Our sex lives are as personal as yours is, so unless we're really close, don't ask us anything that would be too forward to ask a stranger on the bus.
-There is no girl, it's the literal point of homo pro boning. neither chopstick is the fork
-Anal is not the only form of sex gay/queer men can have.
-People change, you're going to change, but that shouldn't depress you.

But like, seriously, ever notice how hard Kanye goes in Power?

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Why you should care about the laws surrounding sex work

Well, this is interesting topic... Sex work. Prostitution, adult films, escorts... Controversy. Something I guess no one really thinks about, or wants to think about, and it's something that up until now, I haven't thought about...

If you have the time, take a moment to watch the video below, from Buzzfeed, titled Questions You Have For Sex Workers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2mnyro54xo

The lighter end of it. Professionals, who enjoy their work, well versed and willing to start a conversation. Which makes it kind of seem okay, and I think, for these people, for their clients, it is.

And next, a video called Everybody Cries Their First Time;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HS5QOkrXsUc

Dark. Unpleasant. The side that's... Just ugly actually.

On top of a lack of sex education, there is a lack of education about Sex Work. I'm going to try not to throw all the video links in and just get to the point here... It seems that there is a general consensus that the laws prohibiting sex work... Are not working. They're enabling the crimes they're trying to prevent. In South Africa, sex work is fully criminalized. So if you think this doesn't affect you, or your friends, or the people you pass every day on campus, or the people you graduated with, people in schools you have friends in, people walking the streets alongside you every day... You're wrong. Because someone might be struggling, and have decided to sell sex, and that makes them not only vulnerable to rape and other forms of sexual assault *but the law will not help them if they do get hurt*.

And the first thing you'll see, if you look at any of the comments, are sentiments like

"Am I supposed to feel sorry for these whores?"

"Did you expect him to be gentle and tell you he loves you?"


Okay, last one, I swear. A TedEx talk titled, What Do Sex Workers Want. You don't have to watch the full thing, but If you have the time, please do.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJRBx0JjM_M

To sum up, if you didn't watch, this is what I want you as the reader to understand. First of all, in places where selling sex is fully or partially criminalized such as SA, carrying a condom can be used as evidence that one is selling sex. So already, there's a choice between risking arrest and risky sex. On top of that, because the law does not protect sex workers and instead criminalizes it, they have to go back to sex work to make money to pay fines because a lack of income is why they're in sex work in the first place and you can't get a job with a criminal record so you're stuck doing sex work since it's the only job you can get. Not only that, but let's look at the punishment for people who have regular jobs after getting out of sex work;

http://www.aol.com/article/2013/01/16/teacher-stacie-halas-fired-porn/20430517/

http://jezebel.com/5794355/worst-student-ever-gets-ex-porn-star-secretary-fired

http://www.fark.com/comments/7955428/Pornstars-who-seek-jobs-in-real-world-are-being-fired-because-of-their-past-theres-no-legal-recourse-for-them-to-get-their-jobs-back-Thats-right-were-in-age-of-porn-discrimination

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tericka_Dye

Notice how these are all articles about women? Let's just talk about the one time someone was fired for being... An underwear model.

http://metro.co.uk/2016/03/28/a-tale-of-two-teachers-one-is-fired-for-modelling-underwear-the-other-is-given-an-armani-contract-5780292/

So it's not like I'm making things up. I'm not yanking facts out of my asshole. Hell, I didn't even have to look hard, four words into Google and fifteen minutes later, there they all are.

It's criminalized, stigmatized and guess what... When it's your only option, you have to face the fact that your life is probably over, unless of course, you have the luck of a devil. So if you've stuck with me this far, and I'm glad you have, just try answer this one question... Why are adults being punished for using their bodies as a source of income? It's honestly just the oddest thing. For me, this matters more than legalizing Marijuana because criminalization of selling sex *actually aids* human trafficking and enables more sexual assault then it prevents.

So what can you do? Well, as a professional slacktivist myself, I'd encourage you to... Simply like and share. Comment, talk, bring it up in conversation, inform... Because it might be information that saves someone, it might prevent someone from making a bad decision, and it might just get us to change the legislation and make a difference.

We have so much power as just normal individuals. So just, spread the word. And simply by reading this, you've already made one step into making a difference. So good on you.

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