Showing posts with label Self-Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Love. Show all posts

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Evangelion; Shinji, DON'T Get In The Robot (Unless You Want To)



Alright you pathetic soon to be Fanta Orange offspring of Lilith, I watched Evangelion a while back and I have thoughts and opinions and you're going to hear them as sure as Shinji gets in the goddamn robot.

*deep inhale*

So like one method I like to use to understand and establish theme is abstraction, the other being personification. So like, if you had to explain the narrative without the trappings of the diegetic jargon to someone who knows nothing about the work, what would you say it's about, what happens in the story? If the work was a person, what is that person's view on things? So I'm going to use that framework to say Evangelion is actually about the military complex and the emotionally abusive nature of adults in power. Strap in, bitches, we're about to get into our robot moms, and it's gonna be a long ride.

Also spoiler alert but like, fuck it, none of us even understand Eva anyway so like, you only live once, might as well read on.


So Evangelion is about a 14 year old boy named Shinji who is estranged from his cold and distant father who emotionally blackmails him into piloting a monstrous weapon of mass destruction. This WMD operates on the principal that any damage it takes inflicts sympathetic pain onto the pilot and the better you are at piloting it, the more painful it is to use. There's a war going on between two factions with opposing loyalties and goals but ultimately they're actually cut from the same cloth. Shinji's first bout with the enemy leaves him with excruciating pain but he ultimately succeeds. But because he was untrained and underqualified, he causes some collateral damage, and this prompts one of his classmates to punch the shit out of his tiny baby boy face and he goes to live with a stranger who is his handler that plays at being his surrogate mother.
Shinji fights on and the trauma gets so bad that he attempts to run and escape the life. He doesn't get too far or even leaves for very long before the military brings him back to continue his government approved torture sessions.

Anyway he meets his fellow child soldiers and becomes something of a war hero through training and continued victories. One of the fellow child soldiers, Asuka, co-habitates with him and his handler. Asuka proceeds to badmouth and verbally abuse him at every opportunity and he takes it because while it's not validation of his inherent worth as a human being it is brutal honesty rather than obfuscation and the drip feedings of praise, which is the second closest thing Shinji feels to friendship.

As more of the enemy is defeated, and the war takes its toll on the children and cities, the WMDs get more and more out of control. One of Shinji's friends is then selected to pilot one of these WMDS and it goes so awfully that the other pilots are forced to face one of their own in armed combat. Shinji is forced into the fight and is ordered to murder his best friend to clean up the military;s mistake. He maintains that there's a better way and in response they take control of his WMD away from him and they all but murder one of only three friends he truly has.

Shinji quits for real and now that he's disposable the military allows this, so he lives as a citizen for a while. He lives out his days, convinced that being the pilot of a WMD is the only thing that gives him worth, but a disgraced member of the military tells him that it's not his ability to affect change for the better, but his willingness to do so that gives him worth. After his old comrades are defeated and wounded, he chooses to take up arms, but this time the trauma and anger causes him and his WMD to commit the unspeakable and he defiles and eats the body of his enemy.

Now so intwined, the border between him and his weapon have blurred. Shinji's friends try in vain for a long stretch of time to seperate him and the machine but their efforts are in vain. This goes on and the one thing that brings him back is the pleading of his surrogate mother.
Back in the frey, one of Shinji's comrades is murdered and replaced with an identical person, and no one notices or cares until far too late.

Finally, Shinji then meets Kaworu, the last child who will be drafted into this to use the WMDs. Kaworu displays a romantic interest in Shinji. They do a back and forth and Kaworu expresses interest only the sides of Shinji that are separate from him as a pilot. Kaworu then explicitly tells Shinji that he has inherent worth, and that his mere existence makes the world a better place. However, Kaworu has loyalties to the other side, and it is through this knowledge that Shinji finds out the enemy has only been variants of him, that they are all human, and that he has been fighting a war for survival on a world that was taken from other beings who were here first.

Kaworu begs Shinji to kill him so that Shinji and his kind may live on, but the inner turmoil of this wrecks Shinji inside. It lingers for an eternity on Shinji holding Kaworu's fate in his hands, and then finally, Shinji succumbs to Kaworu's wishes and kills the one person who told him that he has inherent worth.

Anyway, the next two episodes are various montages and frankly, it's psuedo-psychology mixed with baby's first philosophy class told over montage that gets stale and easy to tune out fast. It basically ends with Shinji learning that his self worth has to come from within and yadda yadda nothing we don't already know.

End of Evangelion is a mess that throws away the entire show's worth of character building so that there can be a dark joke at the expense of Shinji, or rather of Shinji as the audience surrogate. It kind of smacks of Serenity syndrome, and you can kind of tell that this was something made a while after the conclusion of the main story and the creators didn't really have the best handle on it the world anymore. The giveaway here is that when Shinji and Asuka fight the mass-produced Evangelions, they don't experience sympathetic pain but rather full blown injury transferrence. 

End Of Evangelion is stupid.

Still fun to watch despite being psuedo-psychology and esoteric bullshit.

Major Theme 01: Adults in power are emotionally manipulative!


This is pretty easy from the start, Shinji is convinced to pilot the Eva only after being shown that his dad plans to shove a barely conscious still bleeding classmate into the cockpit and Shinji's only courses of action are to allow this woman to die or get in the robot.
On top of that, Misato *constantly* attacks his masculinity and bravery, Shinji's father drip-feeds him praise and dies a sad and ignoble death admitting that he sees himself in his son and that he keeps his distance out of fear of hurting him, because rather than working on himself and his parenting, Gendo would rather try fuck the world.

Major Theme 02: The military is patriarchal!


Misato and Ritsuko at one point go to a military conference and in more ways than one we have a display of the sexism of military leaders. Ritsuko's is talked down upon and the very idea of using Eva units is brought into question. Birthed from Lilith and literally containing the soul of a woman, the Evas are seen as inferior and incompatible with the military and the way it runs.
Major props for Misato's fuck you guys, I'm gonna get in the damn robot myself moment.
Gendo, as the resident military complex also just... Abuses women. He trivializes their pain, he treats them as disposable... Risuko's mother died and he immortalized her in computer form as something reduced literally down to roles which serve him, as a mother, woman, and scientist. 

Major Theme 03: Your worth is inherent and not determined by what you are, or what you do


Self evident but the Kaworu stuff to me is the most powerful. Eva says something else here as well, and this is major theme four.

Major Theme 04: Our empathy, our sensitivity, those are our biggest strengths


Kaworu's reaffirmation that the best parts of Shinji are his sensitivity, and his large fragile heart. His final words even echo something really beautiful, "My life was made meaningful because of you." Our sensitivity, our empathy... It is our connection. And while we might have to guard our fragile hearts, what makes living meaningful is to continue to love and value each other. The pain should not drive is to isolation, only to find ways of coexisting without hurting one another.

I think that, is ultimately what Evangelion is about. I think the show speaks from the experience of a man who was very deeply depressed but I also think it isn't really about living with depression. I think it's about living past depression, living despite pain, and struggling to find a way to coexist without causing others pain.

And also, it's about knowing. Knowing that getting in the robot should ultimately be Shinji's choice, and that yelling at him to get in the robot is selfish and cruel. Man, was ultimately the most cruel angel.
And that, is my thesis.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

And Open Letter To All LGBTQIA+ Family Members; #Pride2017


Hey, it is June which means Pride month and I just wanted to say Happy Pride to everyone. I've been writing these posts for about two and a half years on and off and it's really weird to think about that. I think if I keep posting at a consistent rate I'll reach my 100th post this year and that'd be really awesome so I seriously hope I manage. Another quick note, the flag above is a cool revision to show that gay pride is intersectional and that we do not exclude people of colour and I really hope it spreads wide and far, perhaps to even go so far as to be adopted as the new Pride flag.. Anyway, it's Pride Month and hence I decided to write an open letter to anyone who happens to be LGBTQIA+ reading this.

Hey. Happy Pride 2017, and may every pride month hereafter be just as happy and blessed and full of rainbows. I want you to know that you might be struggling right now, but that's okay. Whether it's a struggle for acceptance, or representation, or legal recognition, or acknowledgement, your struggles are not in vain. I read something recently that I loved, that goes like this;

This too will pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

I love that. I love you. I think you're special and wonderful and your queerness is a blessing too good for this world. And if you're a person of colour, you are not worth less and your life matters and your queerness isn't worth less because of the colour of your skin, it's just a little different, and that difference deserves recognition, celebration and protection.

Some places in the world still want to deny our existence, and many folk hate us, and fear us. We scare them because we dare to be different. We dare to shake their faith. We dare to be gay, and bi, and pan, and trans, and ace and everything and anything in between. But we've survived worse. And we'll survive worse yet. Love will win. It always does in the end.

Make your mark on this world despite those who would tell you that you do not have a place in it. You are a child of the universe and you have every right to be here. You are a remarkably wonderful person and I want you to know that you matter. You matter so very, very much.

Be queer unashamedly, because life is too short for anything else. Love passionately, live passionately, and always have pride in who you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are enough. You are queer enough and you are a person enough and you are perfect just the way you are. A wise man said that in Hogwarts, help will always be given to those in need. And in the LGBTQIA+ family, support will always be given to those in need. You have allies everywhere, and help is near. Don't ever forget that.

And if there is one final thing I can leave you with, wear your queerness on your sleeve. Shout it from the rooftops and have pride in being you, you gorgeous human being. This life is short, and finite, and wasting time listening to hateful rhetoric is not worth yours. Make time for you.  Make time to show your pride.

And know that I am proud to call you part of the LGBTQIA+ family.

Happy Pride everyone.

Love yourself.

-Matt-Dave Stevens

Friday, May 5, 2017

Why being sex positive is so important

I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that slut-shaming has to end. It's pointless, its tasteless, its offensive and has no real place in society today. It holds us back and prevents us from progressing as people, and slut-shaming stigmatizes sex and makes people self-conscious about something that in reality just isn't that big of a deal.

If you've never encountered the term before, here's a loose definition. Slut-shaming is the act of shaming, ridiculing or otherwise stigmatizing a person for having had many sexual encounters in the past, or being currently involved with several sexual partners, and extends to things even as trivial as dressing or acting provocatively. It's a little more nuanced than that, but it can range from anything from calling a woman slutty for wearing daisy dukes, or for actually just describing someone as slutty, loose, easy, whoreish, cheap or anything to that effect. Another unnerving common slut-shaming practice is to shame couples or people who have sex out of wed-lock.

If we have to go into the politics of it all, sluts-shaming is usually more of a problem in conservative circles, but every so often it rears its head in liberal circles. It's not really accurate to say it's a conservative or right-wing problem, because its symptomatic of another much larger problem, which is that its only recently that we've become more sex-positive as a society, and its largely only younger people who are very sex-positive. I was lucky to be raised in a house where sex wasn't treated like a taboo thing. My parents would often openly talk about it and joke around about sex and sexuality, and I think that very normalization is what made me the sex-positive person I am today.

On the opposite side of things, there might be some prude-shaming happening somewhere in some circles, and I've definitely seen in come up in a film or two, and I don't really want to dismiss it as something that doesn't exist but it is something that definitely happens much more infrequently. I still don't condone shaming anyone for the amount of sex they do or do not have, or how modestly or immodestly anyone dresses or acts, it's a deplorable act. There is no "right" amount of sex to be having.

And I think the blatant way we shame each other about the amount of sex we have is why we all need to be more sex-positive.

It's really hard for me to define exactly what makes any person sex-positive, but by sex-positivity, I don't mean actively having sex or seeking it out. Sex-positivity is about normalizing sex, openly talking about sex, viewing sex as a positive thing and not stigmatizing or demonizing sex. It's encouraging exploration of ones sexual identity and allowing for the growth of one's sexuality, but also not forcing anything. I want to make the very clear distinction that being sex-positive isn't about blindly advocating for anyone to have more sex, but that sex-positivity is about having a positive attitude towards sex.

The unfortunate truth is that not being sex-positive only creates issues. It isn't the 1800s anymore, and we aren't puritanical creatures by nature. We derive pleasure from sex, we have the ability to have sex for reasons other than pro-creation or the often toted "intimacy" that we're told to wait until our wedding night for, and honestly, sex is just kind of great (I do also advocate safe sex, please, do practice safe sex, and don't take unnecessary risks). But the thing is, when we limit sex to just being about procreation or intimacy with a married partner, we do some really harmful things, such as:
  • Turning sex into something shameful, rather than personal.
  • Reducing each other into things to be owned, like little children claiming presents that only they can open and no one else can.
  • Using intangible and relatively inconsequential concepts such as virginity as a measure of any person's objective character quality
  • Defining sex in such a way that it can only mean penetrative penal/vaginal sex, rather than as the complicated and broad conversation that sex really is
  • Reserving intimacy only for those married, which for many people in the world, simply isn't a reality, such as gay couples who live in countries where marriage isn't legal, or widows who don't want to remarry, or anyone who has sex that is intimate that isn't married! 
Sex-positivity is also what allows for empathy with sex workers, men and women who are the least protected from sexual crimes. The unfortunate reality is that sex-workers endure slut-shaming from their friends, families, strangers and even their own clients. Sex workers are also very much at risk of experiencing sexual violence, and due to sex work being criminalized in most countries, they are also unable to report sex crimes committed against them and are sometimes unjustly arrested when they are in fact the victims. And without any sex-positivity, as a person, it becomes exponentially harder to empathize with sex workers.

Sex positivity is important. It is so, so important. I can't stress that enough. I can't argue it enough. I think it's one of the most humane qualities a person can have, even if one doesn't personally agree with having a lot of sex or numerous sexual partners.

And I think, as humans, we can sometimes very much lack humanity.

We should work on that.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Letter to Myself; subtitled 2016

"So if you got a flame that's blazing hot within, take a deep breath and feed it oxygen."
~ Watsky, Never Let It Die

Every year I write a letter to myself to reflect my own progress as a person and to sort of have an army of past versions of myself egging me on to continue with life and not walk into oncoming traffic and to tell me that even though it was tough I made it this far so  I can make it through the next year, and I usually end it off with some stupid tagline like "Thanks for not killing off the main character of your story" which is dumb and cliche but when you're  crying so hard it feels like the veins in your forehead are going to burst and that the only thing you can, have and will ever be able to feel is sadness then stupid sentiments from past me to me help. This year I decided to post mine online as kind of a thing to say, hey, this is something you can do, even if it's dumb and cliche. There aren't really any rules and you can tell your future self anything you want, but I don't recommend writing when you're super sad. Write it when you can say something meaningful to yourself.

So anyway, here goes.

Dear Matthew

This year's been a tough one. It seemed like for every step forward, I took two steps back. Sometimes it seemed like there were more bills than money, sometimes our money seemed to disappear just as it came in. Sometimes things went right, but for the most part, they just went really wrong. Sometimes bad things happened, and they were unavoidable, and so often I got to that breaking point where I sabotaged myself out of poor self-esteem and emotional and physical exhaustion. More vividly than ever, I was reminded that willpower is an exhaustible resource but self-depreciation isn't.

Life will very often take away your belief in yourself that you can survive the harshest storms and overcome the tallest obstacles.

Life will often leave you with deadlines too close to make and fear too strong to conquer and too little direction to even start plotting a course to somewhere.

This is not weakness.

This is life.

Life throws curve balls. 

Strength of person comes from laughing at the absurd odds you beat. Strength of person comes from knowing how unfair life is, taking the blows in your strides, and getting back up after you fall. After all, it's not about how hard you can punch, it's about how many you can take and keep on fighting. And it'd take way too much time to remind you that you can take a whole lot of blows. In short, I will simply say, you survived 2016.

To the end of self betterment, I would like to ask that in 2017, we wait for the second marshmallow. Because I am nothing if not self-aggrandizing, I just mean that life is a little like the Marshmallow test. We can either eat the one in front of us, or wait a little while and have two marshmallows. I suppose that's my round about way of asking that in 2017 (and hopefully every consecutive year until the day I die) we decide to save money for a better day instead of buying a tub of ice cream and eating our feelings. In 2017, instead of discounting time spent studying now as time wasted for a test we might fail, we study now and reap the benefits of having to do less work in the future.

It's hard to feel it but fear and hyperbolic discounting control everything we do. 2017 is a year I hope isn't about that.

All in all, thank you for staying true to yourself. Thank you for making it this far, thank you for trying to go farther. Dad always says that you can only lead as far as you've gone, and you can only go as far as you work to get to.

It's been a tough year.

But so was 2015. And we made it through both. Maybe 2017 will be awful, and we all know, in trilogies, the third is the worst. But life always regresses to the mean. It might not always be good, but that also means it won't always be bad. And when it's bad, there are always friends to nag to, a blog to give your unsolicited views on the world to, and the knowledge that it won't be that way forever. Life is a series of tough years each varying in levels of toughness. Every year since the doctor delivered you and slapped your butt and gave you screaming to your mamma is a tough year.

Life throws curveballs.

Dust yourself off, get back on your feet and yell real loud, "Is that all you got?"

There's a flame inside you that can never be snuffed. There's a sparkle in your eye that can never be dimmed. There's a song in your heart that never stops playing. There's a wit in your voice that will never start fading. There's a universe in your mind that's always expanding. There's a story you're writing that just hasn't ended. There's that instinct to survive so sharp, it'll never dull. You always talk about the day you'll walk into traffic, but live like it'll never come. There have been better men, but a whole lot of them never made it to where you are. There are plenty of worse men, and they've made it really far. There's that part of you that you can trust to be right when everything else says you're wrong. There's a swagger in your step that never truly goes away, waiting for the right song to come on.

You're a writer, and artist, a genius, a madman, a singer, a guitarist, a pixel artist, a programmer, a loving member of a loving family and a man with a whole lot of good friends you can count on, a survivor, a fighter, a visionary who sees a whole different future, just a man with a couple dreams, a man with wounds to suture, a conquerer, a strategist and a straight up panicker.


But for all that, remember that everything and anything can change in a single moment.

Life throws curveballs.

And I know it sounds a little like I'm saying everyone experiences it, so you don't have to be sad. I know it can be hard, and it's okay to cry until the tears reach your nose and the snot reaches your eyes and it's okay because you will feel insufferable sadness for a little while but it all ends and you'll see the sunny days again. You walk through dark trenches and you you fight as an atheist in a foxhole.

Life throws curve balls.

But you catch a few of them.