Monday, November 4, 2019

Making (Art) Is Hard Work

Hey, I'm Matt-Dave, and I have released exactly two videogames, written over 100 blog posts, wrote a novel, and recorded 4 demos with a band that broke up.

And those things were all bloody hard to do.

Any personal project is something that's very hard to get off the ground. You're usually solely responsible for it's completion and holding yourself to task is hard. Often, the reward is... Nothing. Perhaps a small audience, perhaps a couple pats on the back, but most of the time you're shouting into the void and hoping someone hears it.

It's hard to make a career and name for yourself off of passion projects, hell, this blog has been going for years now and I couldn't tell you if any actual humans read my blog or if it's just porn bots.

Why do we do the things we do, even if they're difficult, tedious, time consuming and sometimes not even that cathartic?

Well, I crave creative satisfaction. I consider myself something of an artist. I make music, I make games, I write, all that good stuff and I publish a lot of my work online. Sometimes it just doesn't get noticed.

That's okay though.

Making art for the sake of making art is where the true joy in life lies. I wish I could spend my life just doing that. Just writing, just penning blog posts, just making games, just making songs. It's some of the greatest pleasures I've had as a human being and I wish more people could experience those things.

But it takes its toll.

Sometimes you do wonder if it's all worth it, if screaming into the void means you're just yelling at yourself.

I don't know what to do about that.

I do know I'll continue. I'm trying my best to make something out of nothing here and I hope some day it will pay off. In some ways it already has, so we'll see if there's any further return on investment.

All I can say is, finish your passion projects. Don't let them linger.

We all have too many lingering regrets already.

Thursday, July 4, 2019

Evangelion; Shinji, DON'T Get In The Robot (Unless You Want To)



Alright you pathetic soon to be Fanta Orange offspring of Lilith, I watched Evangelion a while back and I have thoughts and opinions and you're going to hear them as sure as Shinji gets in the goddamn robot.

*deep inhale*

So like one method I like to use to understand and establish theme is abstraction, the other being personification. So like, if you had to explain the narrative without the trappings of the diegetic jargon to someone who knows nothing about the work, what would you say it's about, what happens in the story? If the work was a person, what is that person's view on things? So I'm going to use that framework to say Evangelion is actually about the military complex and the emotionally abusive nature of adults in power. Strap in, bitches, we're about to get into our robot moms, and it's gonna be a long ride.

Also spoiler alert but like, fuck it, none of us even understand Eva anyway so like, you only live once, might as well read on.


So Evangelion is about a 14 year old boy named Shinji who is estranged from his cold and distant father who emotionally blackmails him into piloting a monstrous weapon of mass destruction. This WMD operates on the principal that any damage it takes inflicts sympathetic pain onto the pilot and the better you are at piloting it, the more painful it is to use. There's a war going on between two factions with opposing loyalties and goals but ultimately they're actually cut from the same cloth. Shinji's first bout with the enemy leaves him with excruciating pain but he ultimately succeeds. But because he was untrained and underqualified, he causes some collateral damage, and this prompts one of his classmates to punch the shit out of his tiny baby boy face and he goes to live with a stranger who is his handler that plays at being his surrogate mother.
Shinji fights on and the trauma gets so bad that he attempts to run and escape the life. He doesn't get too far or even leaves for very long before the military brings him back to continue his government approved torture sessions.

Anyway he meets his fellow child soldiers and becomes something of a war hero through training and continued victories. One of the fellow child soldiers, Asuka, co-habitates with him and his handler. Asuka proceeds to badmouth and verbally abuse him at every opportunity and he takes it because while it's not validation of his inherent worth as a human being it is brutal honesty rather than obfuscation and the drip feedings of praise, which is the second closest thing Shinji feels to friendship.

As more of the enemy is defeated, and the war takes its toll on the children and cities, the WMDs get more and more out of control. One of Shinji's friends is then selected to pilot one of these WMDS and it goes so awfully that the other pilots are forced to face one of their own in armed combat. Shinji is forced into the fight and is ordered to murder his best friend to clean up the military;s mistake. He maintains that there's a better way and in response they take control of his WMD away from him and they all but murder one of only three friends he truly has.

Shinji quits for real and now that he's disposable the military allows this, so he lives as a citizen for a while. He lives out his days, convinced that being the pilot of a WMD is the only thing that gives him worth, but a disgraced member of the military tells him that it's not his ability to affect change for the better, but his willingness to do so that gives him worth. After his old comrades are defeated and wounded, he chooses to take up arms, but this time the trauma and anger causes him and his WMD to commit the unspeakable and he defiles and eats the body of his enemy.

Now so intwined, the border between him and his weapon have blurred. Shinji's friends try in vain for a long stretch of time to seperate him and the machine but their efforts are in vain. This goes on and the one thing that brings him back is the pleading of his surrogate mother.
Back in the frey, one of Shinji's comrades is murdered and replaced with an identical person, and no one notices or cares until far too late.

Finally, Shinji then meets Kaworu, the last child who will be drafted into this to use the WMDs. Kaworu displays a romantic interest in Shinji. They do a back and forth and Kaworu expresses interest only the sides of Shinji that are separate from him as a pilot. Kaworu then explicitly tells Shinji that he has inherent worth, and that his mere existence makes the world a better place. However, Kaworu has loyalties to the other side, and it is through this knowledge that Shinji finds out the enemy has only been variants of him, that they are all human, and that he has been fighting a war for survival on a world that was taken from other beings who were here first.

Kaworu begs Shinji to kill him so that Shinji and his kind may live on, but the inner turmoil of this wrecks Shinji inside. It lingers for an eternity on Shinji holding Kaworu's fate in his hands, and then finally, Shinji succumbs to Kaworu's wishes and kills the one person who told him that he has inherent worth.

Anyway, the next two episodes are various montages and frankly, it's psuedo-psychology mixed with baby's first philosophy class told over montage that gets stale and easy to tune out fast. It basically ends with Shinji learning that his self worth has to come from within and yadda yadda nothing we don't already know.

End of Evangelion is a mess that throws away the entire show's worth of character building so that there can be a dark joke at the expense of Shinji, or rather of Shinji as the audience surrogate. It kind of smacks of Serenity syndrome, and you can kind of tell that this was something made a while after the conclusion of the main story and the creators didn't really have the best handle on it the world anymore. The giveaway here is that when Shinji and Asuka fight the mass-produced Evangelions, they don't experience sympathetic pain but rather full blown injury transferrence. 

End Of Evangelion is stupid.

Still fun to watch despite being psuedo-psychology and esoteric bullshit.

Major Theme 01: Adults in power are emotionally manipulative!


This is pretty easy from the start, Shinji is convinced to pilot the Eva only after being shown that his dad plans to shove a barely conscious still bleeding classmate into the cockpit and Shinji's only courses of action are to allow this woman to die or get in the robot.
On top of that, Misato *constantly* attacks his masculinity and bravery, Shinji's father drip-feeds him praise and dies a sad and ignoble death admitting that he sees himself in his son and that he keeps his distance out of fear of hurting him, because rather than working on himself and his parenting, Gendo would rather try fuck the world.

Major Theme 02: The military is patriarchal!


Misato and Ritsuko at one point go to a military conference and in more ways than one we have a display of the sexism of military leaders. Ritsuko's is talked down upon and the very idea of using Eva units is brought into question. Birthed from Lilith and literally containing the soul of a woman, the Evas are seen as inferior and incompatible with the military and the way it runs.
Major props for Misato's fuck you guys, I'm gonna get in the damn robot myself moment.
Gendo, as the resident military complex also just... Abuses women. He trivializes their pain, he treats them as disposable... Risuko's mother died and he immortalized her in computer form as something reduced literally down to roles which serve him, as a mother, woman, and scientist. 

Major Theme 03: Your worth is inherent and not determined by what you are, or what you do


Self evident but the Kaworu stuff to me is the most powerful. Eva says something else here as well, and this is major theme four.

Major Theme 04: Our empathy, our sensitivity, those are our biggest strengths


Kaworu's reaffirmation that the best parts of Shinji are his sensitivity, and his large fragile heart. His final words even echo something really beautiful, "My life was made meaningful because of you." Our sensitivity, our empathy... It is our connection. And while we might have to guard our fragile hearts, what makes living meaningful is to continue to love and value each other. The pain should not drive is to isolation, only to find ways of coexisting without hurting one another.

I think that, is ultimately what Evangelion is about. I think the show speaks from the experience of a man who was very deeply depressed but I also think it isn't really about living with depression. I think it's about living past depression, living despite pain, and struggling to find a way to coexist without causing others pain.

And also, it's about knowing. Knowing that getting in the robot should ultimately be Shinji's choice, and that yelling at him to get in the robot is selfish and cruel. Man, was ultimately the most cruel angel.
And that, is my thesis.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Support Women's Right To Choose, You Coward



I'm a little late and I don't really know if this counts as a platform but here we go;

Abortion bills are almost always used to control women. But also yes, the supporters thereof actually do care about abortion, it's just one of their favourite ways to control women because their morals can drive their own outrage.

There are plenty of arguments to be made for a pro-choice stance but there are people better at making those arguments so I'm just going to say this about the anti-choice side;

It's not only old white men.

A popular talking point from intersectional feminist circles is that white women are just as guilty of electing Trump into office. While it's mostly old white men who sign, write and pass these bills, they're pandering as much to a supporting base of conservative women as they are to white men.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that old white men in power are blameless because, no, they certainly have to shoulder a lot of the responsibility but we often miss the bigger picture, and that's that there are enough women out there who empathize more with a fetus than with fellow women and their opinions are the ones that the men in power will consider, even if less so than with their fellow men.

And yeah, it is up to leftist men to signal boost, support and vocalize the hell out of our stance on this. We have enough clout and most of us have at least some form of platform. Now is the time to make your voices heard in solidarity with women, especially if it's unpopular in your circle because that's probably who needs to hear it the most.

Also, tell all your friends to go watch or read The Handmaids Tale. There's a piece of media that'll have a profound effect on your worldview and yeah, it's the kind of  fucked up thing that hits a little too close to home right now and maybe that's exactly what we need, a reminder of how bad things can get so we know to preemptively prevent things from ever reaching that point.

In conclusion, yeah, I'm with the women on this point, and not just with women, with trans men, NBs and anyone else who has a uterus. I'm not okay with the regulation of their bodies and it frightens me to see how many people are okay with that. This is not okay, this is not normal, we shouldn't let it be.

We're supposed to be better than that, right?

Monday, April 15, 2019

Review; Ratchet And Clank (2002)

The original Ratchet and Clank is the perfect midpoint between 3D platformer and third person shooter.



And that's not the greatest thing.

While sequels would refine how to better blend fast paced shooting with clever platforming, this first installment manages to execute on the platforming well enough but drops the ball in the shooter mechanics, with a serious aversion to adopting a twin stick layout. That's not to say all shooter games would benefit from a twin stick layout but Ratchet and Clank 2002 definitely would.

It's hard for me to recommend anyone play the game to completion. There's a stealth section near the end that unceremoniously marks the point where the game stops being fun. Going back to Veldin for the endgame is especially more of a chore than a victory lap. And while the weapon selection is too large to fit inside your quick select, there's very little flow and synergy between Ratchet's arsenal. Your tactical options are severely limited and it leaves you wanting for even the basics of any respectable shooter's weapon selection. If nothing else, just one sniper weapon. Just one.

You'll also find that the bolt requirements will suddenly skyrocket in the mid to end game and you'll go from comfortably growing your arsenal to feeling like you have far too much money for just ammo and far too little to buy anything meaningful, with the best solution being the treasure hunter gadget you can acquire. It left me wishing for some sort of combat arena or a series of platforming gauntlets to play for money, and I'd even accept the asinine Quark minigames from the third game.

And no, hoverboard racing does not count. You make nearly nothing from it.

While the story is actually kind of a highlight and there are gags that are genuinely funny, it's perfectly okay to give this one a miss. Overall it's perhaps the worst of the PS2 games and I'd recommend any game that comes after just before it, but there's still fun to be had if you can grit your teeth through a frustrating end game.

If you must, I would recommend playing it at least for long enough to acquire the employee discount and most of the weapons, sans the more expensive ones.


Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Since When Did Fascists Start Liking Harry Potter?

Hey, you know what I love? Harry Potter.



Like, every couple years I watch every movie in a marathon because those were some of my first experiences with the artistry of cinema, rather than the junkfood movies I'd thought were the ceiling. I love the theme song so much it makes me feel a warmth in my chest.
And I still respect the hell out of JK Rowling, for her achievements. She's done a ton of charity work, has given more money to charity than even most millionaires will see and her story as a writer inspires me to try harder with my writing.
However, recently it's been hard. I don't agree with the a lot of the choices she's made lately, and she's disappointed me plenty. And I recognize the tough position she must be in, but I think that power and influence comes with responsibility and one has to try act as ethically as possible.
I don't want this to get too political, and I get that people wanna have a good laugh, but there's this icky feeling I get when I see Rowling criticized for Hermoine's stage play casting with the same fevor as she gets criticized for the queerbaiting stuff. There's an icky feeling I get when I see people call details about Dumbledore's sex life gross, but no one batting an eye about Voldermort's secret daughter. I get an icky feeling when people use a mocked up tweet to criticize JK Rowling when she hasn't actually said anything as egregious as the 'wizard poop' retcon. There's an icky feeling I get when I see criticism for JK Rowling weaponized towards the goal of the radicalization of people who just wanna see themselves represented in the work.
To that end, I just wanna say, be careful when you're disappointed to be a little more scrutinizing? I'm afraid for the future. I'm afraid that there's going to be a co-opting of the discourse by radicalized individuals. I'm afraid that this thing I loved when I was a kid is going to be hard to enjoy because we stopped talking about how we felt when we first read/watched it but instead are caught up in stuff that we know we shouldn't care about, but also can't avoid.
Hey, you know what I like? Harry Potter. You wanna talk about how much you like Harry Potter? I think you should. You wanna talk about what you dislike about Harry Potter? I think you should.
I just don't think you should spend too much time dog piling on JK Rowling. Not accusing you personally of anything, but when you've dog piled on top of someone, sometimes it's hard to see that the people you're dog piling with are radicalized towards rhetoric that you yourself find abhorrent.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Review: Shadow The Hedgehog (2005)

Remember when you were a kid and you had a lot of angst and you went through this edgy period that you now cringe at as an adult?



Shadow The Hedgehog is the ill-conceived pseudo sequel to Sonic Heroes and Adventure 2, as well as one of the last games Yuji Naka worked on before leaving Sonic Team and Sega.
Before we go any further, I’d like to posit that by ill-conceived I don’t mean that it was a bad idea to make the game, just that the concept was under-developed, much like Shadow’s character. A spin-off game based off a then-popular character could have been a booster shot that sparked new life and interest in the franchise. And Shadow was the ideal candidate. But alas, instead, we now live in the timeline where Shadow The Hedgehog and Sonic ’06 were released just one year apart.



To start at the top, progression through the narrative of the game is needlessly complex for how simple it really is. Shadow, who still doesn’t have his memories back, sees an invasion attempt happening and from there he goes on a quest to learn about his own past. After some soul searching, Shadow comes to a conclusion about who he is and what he feels his role in the world is.
And to the game’s credit, I actually like the mechanical structuring of morality. Rather than being a text prompt, you have to actively help people to be good, serve Black Doom in order to be evil or kind of just run past everything. The actual act of being good or bad usually boils down to annoying quests where you have to collect or destroy X amount of things for Y character, but I like the idea more than the implementation.

And yeah, you are going to have the most fun running past everything because the core issue that lies in the heart of Shadow The Hedgehog is that it’s kind of just a mediocre Sonic game with little pieces of Devil May Cry combat attached. Shadow has the Venom problem where he exists not as a character foil to the hero, but as a shadow-self, a dark doppelganger, a personified version of the path not taken. In gameplay, that amounts to Shadow being a texture swap with a bad attitude. Whereas a game based on Tails might include more flight based platforming puzzles and a game based on Knuckles would deal more with gliding, Shadow kind of boils down to being more of an aesthetic choice. But unlike in Adventure 2, Shadow’s moveset here is so weak. Hand to hand combat is so tacked on that if you tug on it too hard, it will fall off. The spindash is an actual joke. The homing attack at least works alright, but it’s not quite the powerhouse that some weapons are.
Shadow’s chaos powers are woefully under-utilized. Filling either the hero or dark bar gives you the ability to either use Chaos Control or Chaos Blast, but neither are more useful than just the passive bonus of having unlimited ammo with your currently equipped weapon. Furthermore, Chaos Control, which you build up doing “heroic” things actually fundamentally clashes with the collectathon structure of Hero missions, as you whiz by all of the objectives. Chaos Blast is kind of just a screen nuke, but it doesn’t do as much damage as the flashy visuals would suggest. Like, Sonic Heroes managed to make the ability halfway useful, here it just feels like a gimped version of the team attack.

The music is… Actually enjoyable, in a cheesy Nu Metal kind of way. Almost Dead is actually a banger, in a way that only try-hard 2000s Rob Zombie sound-alikes can be. The music probably gets closer to that Devil May Cry aesthetic the game is trying to chase.
And what’s kind of baffling is that there already is a version of this game that works; It’s called Ratchet and Clank. And although Ratchet and Clank is a lot slower, it executes the hybrid of third person shooting and platforming much more eloquently. This was the game Shadow The Hedgehog should probably have tried to imitate.

Final thoughts; this is not a game one plays with a completionist mindset, unless you really like Westopolis, because getting all the endings means playing Westopolis 10 times. The game is also trying way too hard, I mean, just listen to these menu sound effects. I remember having some fun with the multiplayer, but it’s entirely skippable.

And my last point is this; The middle of the road ending which you get from going off and doing your own thing while the plot happens at you is perhaps the only ending that has any real narrative stakes to it. You get to the end and Shadow concludes that he is an android, built to replace the Shadow that died in Adventure 2. He doesn’t remember anything because he physically never experienced those things. And this would have been kind of a great move to pull and I kind of wish this was the canon ending. See, as an Android, there’s a lot more room for Shadow and Omega to do some buddy cop stuff if they were both Eggman’s creations who kind of hate their creator. There’d be room for Shadow to have a narrative arc in future games where he tries to find his place in the world as the lookalike of the martyred Shadow in Adventure 2. Shadow would actually have a reason to explore intense rage as a being not really programmed with a lot of empathy, while trying to live up to the legacy of the original Shadow could be a motivation for Shadow to actually develop that empathy. And the on and off again rivalry between Shadow and Sonic would have extra dramatic stakes as Shadow now not only wants to prove that he’s better than Sonic, but it’s also a battle to prove that he isn’t just a shadow of Shadow the hedgehog.

The canon ending has Shadow discover he’s part alien and re-learning the lessons he already learned in Heroes and Adventure 2, and if that part alien thing comes out of left field and seems tacked on and pointless, don’t worry, because Sega all but forgets it ever happened.


All Hail Shadow, indeed.

Friday, March 1, 2019

As It Turns Out, DC's Titans Is Pretty Good



I was not rooting for this show. DC's Titans is the kind of ill-conceived premise that you'd think would leave a show dead-on-arrival. The marketing for this thing promised a surreal, overly gritty and superficially mature show with all the trappings that come with it.

Except DC's Titans is actually kind of good?

Trust me, I was the last person to expect something like that to happen. I saw the trailers, the same as you did and when Robin dropped the f-bomb and put some disrespect on Batman's name I was ready to hate-watch this thing as it turned into a glorious edgelord nightmare.

Turns out that I got a pretty great version of the Doom Patrol in the sneakiest backdoor pilot I've seen in a while, along with some pretty cathartic confrontations between Dick Grayson and Jason Todd. Hawk and Dove also turned out to be characters I unironically love and oh, man Wonder Girl? Even Wonder Girl was lovable. And I thought I was going to hate Starfire but Anna Diop was kind of acting circles around the rest of the cast and doing it while wearing actual fashion crimes.



It's not all good.

The effects can look cheap, poor Anna Diop's costuming suffers, the show dips into some adorable levels of edginess, Raven's character is kind of incoherent and there are as many gorgeous shots as there are moments of colour palette drab.

But that's as much as I can say. As it turns out, DC's Titans might not be the most faithful to the source material and it sure doesn't have a lot of respect for convention but maybe that's the best part about it. In a lot of ways, it is the superficially mature show that the marketing promised but in a lot of others, it's a clever new spin on a gritty group of characters dealing with a violent world while wearing superhero masks. For all its faults, DC's Titans is actually one of the better versions of the Teen Titans. It's not gonna compete with your nostalgia for the 2003 show but you'd be surprised how well the Teen Titans work when filtered through the lens of Watchmen.

Hard recommend. It might not be for everyone but you'll probably be surprised at how much this is probably for you.