Faith.

I am not a man of faith.

The world is built upon arbitrary truths. They are provable, they are tangible, they are usually resolute. For every action, there is a reaction. And while I may not know the first link, I can trace the chain back far enough to come to a satisfactory answer. As I grew into myself I found that the few things that do bring me closer to comfort are that which I can find evidence for.

I do not regret this. It is a part of me that I cherish. An attribute I hold dear. There's enough skeptic in me to ask questions for the sake of discovering the truth.

It has never failed me, except in one occasion;

Faith in myself.

I list my own accomplishments as mediocre. I know what my hands are capable of based on what they have created and accomplished. And while what I have done with my life may seem mediocre to some, I do know my own private victories. But those victories are private. My trophy cases are empty. I did not come from a participation award generation, and I don't know whether or not that's a good thing. All I know is that a person's worth is often measured by what they've achieved. What accolades they've received.

Based on this, it's hard to have faith in myself. I find myself in a loop of attempting to prove myself to me, but in order to know what I am capable of, I look to the evidence of what I've done. My limits scare me. I know the meat suit I pilot well enough to have found where the wires are clipped and which joints need greasing. I understand that the longer I function, the more outdated my hardware becomes. I know how fast I can run a kilometer. I know the highest grade I've achieved on a math test.

Based on what is, it seems that I am not capable of very much.

It's hard for me to take on faith that I am capable of more. There's not much evidence of that. It's a scathing reminder that while a nurturing environment can assist us in achieving our potential, our nature defines our limits. And I fear, that based on current data, I have already reached mine.

Taking on faith that I am capable of more is a tough thing to do.

A lot of people like to throw around quotes about how we're afraid of reaching our potential. And while they make for great graduation speeches, real life proves itself to be a little more complex.

I am glad that life is complex. I am proud of my nature. I simply wish that I was able to have a little more faith in me.

Faith is hard to come by.

I think this is perhaps the only time skeptical thinking has ever been detrimental.